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Newsstand: December 23, 2011
Welcome to a very special Festivus edition of the Newsstand. It's mostly going to involve the Airing of Grievances, so here we go: businesses struggle to receive compensation for the G20, the city looks to increase fines for illegal curbside parkers, the 'Toronto.xxx' domain has been bought up, and dog owners win the right to challenge the closing of an off-leash park.
The federal government has rejected compensation for a whole bunch of Toronto businesses that claim to have lost revenue during the G20 weekend. Apparently, being outside the government’s official security perimeter means no money in case of riot. The government also argues that if businesses really wanted to attract customers that weekend, they should have just created fake lakes to lure folks in.
Some might call it an extension of the War on the Car, but we prefer to think of it as the first strike in the War on Jerks: a report is going to be considered by the Public Works and Infrastructure Committee in January, recommending fining motorists $150 for stopping in curb lanes during rush hour, and for blocking bike lanes at any time. It’s a far cry from Councillor Josh Matlow’s (Ward 22, St. Paul’s) call for a $500 fine, or from our call for automatic deportation to Australia, but we’ll take it. Maybe now that 5 p.m. pullover on Bloor Street to run into the Sephora won’t seem like such a grand idea. And no, putting your four-ways on doesn’t make you any less of an ass.
The web domain Toronto.xxx has been purchased, and not by the City. But whether the new site ends up being pornographic or not, City officials aren’t worried about residents mistaking it with the City’s official Toronto.ca site, probably because nobody meaning to type “.ca” would ever type “.xxx” by mistake. Officials also said that given the current lot on council, only a fool would try to create a porno based on Toronto politics for at least the next three years.
Merry Christmas, necks of youngsters attending Northern Secondary School. After five years of being forced to wear lanyards with student IDs attached, students at the school can finally take off the cloth necklaces, which, let’s face it, have been out of style for years. Apparently also out of style are silly security practices in schools, as Northern Secondary was the last high school in Toronto to require that students wear the lanyards. Now if we could only get rid of some other annoyances, such as slow walkers or stupid fake Twitter accounts, the world would be an even happier place.
We’ve had a good run, fellow normals, but it looks like that might be coming to an end. That’s right, the dog people are taking over. Today, they’ve won the right to appeal in court the City’s decision to close an off-leash park in North Toronto, but tomorrow, who knows? Poop-scooping workers on the municipal dime, giant fire hydrant memorials, a permanent class of slave cats… the possibilities are endless. One thing’s for sure, we’ll be watching the coming court case with our utmost attention.