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Newsstand: December 16, 2011
Ah Friday, the day whose name is chanted more often than it's spoken. In the news: scheduling changes could save millions from the police budget, the mayor wants to cut some of the land transfer tax in 2012, the City's outside workers' union says it won't strike in January, and new details emerge in a heritage building arson case.
A consultant’s report has found the City could save as much as $52 million from the police budget, with no branch closings necessary. Of that sum, approximately $35 million could be saved by changing shift schedules, as the police service’s current scheduling has officers working longer than necessary every day. The report claims this reduction in working hours could be achieved with minimal anarchist uprisings, mass looting, and general tearing of the fabric of society, but police aren’t too happy about potentially losing out on the sweet action.
If Mayor Rob Ford’s term thus far could be expressed in a sound, and that sound could be written down, it would look something like this: meeeeeeerrrrrrrrrkaploooghhh! The latest in this ongoing saga of ridiculousness: Ford wants to cut the land transfer tax by 25 per cent next year. But, you may say, surely you remember Ford campaigned on abolishing that tax! First of all, we resent the insinuation. Second, that was before Ford came into office and started demanding widespread budget trimming, which could result in reduced city services across the board. To further reduce the City’s revenue right now is to kick us while we’re down.
In labour news, the president of the union representing the City’s outside workers says the union won’t go on strike in January, although a lockout initiated from the City’s side is still possible. Meanwhile, the City’s inside workers have announced they may go on strike, but would rather wait until the weather gets a bit warmer.
Sadly, a tiger romance at the Toronto Zoo met a tragic end as male Harimau Kayu attacked his mate Brytne, crushing her larynx and killing her.
New shit has come to light in the suspected arson of a heritage building at Yonge and Gould streets that burned down almost a year ago. From surveillance camera footage, police now know a hooded man walked up to the back of the building three times the night it caught fire, and hope to soon know the man’s height and weight. So if you’re that man, you may as well turn yourself in now before it gets embarrassing.
This post originally contained a joke about Johnnie Cochran defending a murderous tiger. In light of the fact that Mr. Cochran passed away in 2005, we have decided to remove the joke.