Declassified: Love, Pregnancy, and Death

In this week's Declassified, we give you some romantic prospects.

By Steve Kupferman • Illustration by Matthew Daley

Sometimes in spy movies, one agent will place a coded message to another agent in some newspaper’s classifieds, which seems like a pretty cool and effective way of hiding information in plain sight. Who knows if that ever happens in real life, but if it does, there’s a possibility that Craigslist has stolen the job away from print media, just like it took away the rest of the want-ad business. Big Latke, are you an undercover mole on the tail of rampant corruption at some kosher deli? Wait, don’t answer. We wouldn’t want to blow your cover.

A Craiglist job that doesn’t involve having sex with anyone? That just makes it even more suspicious.

Because the first place most of us go when we need consolation after the death of a loved one is Craigslist, to look for dates.

There are plenty of logical explanations for the existence of this ad. Like, maybe it was written by one those facehuggers from the movie Alien?

Here we have someone who has obviously fallen prey to the common misconception that artists spend most of their time having sex. In reality they get laid less than probably any other professional class, because they’re poor and their apartments are dirty. Here, let’s help this guy with a rewrite.

From an artistic a middle-aged point of view, I’m so very curious to know what it feels like weirdly turned on by the idea ; both in a physical and spiritual form to have a woman lose her virginity to me. I realize virginity is something that a girl holds dear, and know that I’m willing to do my part to give her whatever she wants for it, especially in these economic tough times so I will pay to deflower you, in order to please the volcano god I worship. May the blood of the innocent slake his fiery thirst.

You know, the best romantic advice anybody can give a nerd of this type is that while people like being pursued, nobody, other than maybe crazy narcissists, enjoys being worshipped. Forget everything comic books and video games have taught you: instant, unconditional devotion isn’t the way to find love. In fact, it’s creepy.

But hey, Chinese Boy, are you a virgin? Because there’s someone who might be interested in meeting you.

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch. Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].