Pat Thornton's First Eight Hours
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Pat Thornton’s First Eight Hours

Rapper puns, Stamos abuse, and raising money for the Stephen Lewis Foundation.

Pat Thornton launched his third annual 24-hour stand-up marathon at 5 p.m. last night, and we arrived two hours into his epic joke reading set. Some Torontoist folks were already there, and we were joined by a half dozen more over the next few hours. We have plans to go back later today, but in the meantime here’s a selection of jokes and observations from hours two to nine; you can go down in person to Comedy Bar today until 5 p.m., or watch online, in the livestream above.

6:55 p.m.: We arrive to a lot of rapper puns, i.e. “‘S’up, guys?’—Me Diddy”, and “‘Mo Water, Mo Problems.’—Pee Diddy.” Pat reads a Newfie joke that gets a lot of groans. (“How do you get a one-armed Newfie out of a tree? Wave at him.”) He shrugs: “Hey guys, it’s a joke, and we got a whole day to fill. A whole day…”

7:10 p.m.: Big laughs in the room for “Norm Sousa? More like Nermal Sousa.” Pat goes on to explain that every character from the Garfield comic strip is fair game, save for the titular cat himself. “He’s into eating lasagna and sleeping, which is what I’ll probably be doing Wednesday.”

7:15 p.m.: Pat does a recap for new arrivals, both at Comedy Bar and online. Rappers are being punned, and residents of “The Woods,” where one will be mercilessly burned, are Danny Aiello, Whoopi Goldberg, and Ray Liotta. John Stamos “asked to be in the Woods, his choice! He doesn’t really get it.” And Nermal “is getting it hard. You’re a piece of shit, Nermal!”

7:25 p.m.: An online monitor comes up to Pat and whispers briefly. Pat announces “#pats24hrs is the #1 Twitter trend in Toronto, guys.”

7:57 p.m: A couple of highlights of the last half hour: “Dyslexic Admiral Ackbar: ‘It’s a tarp!'” “‘I’ll carry all your stuff.’—Ja Mule.” “‘I made it myself.’—Kanye Vest.”

8:35 p.m.: “‘Don’t worry, this chicken’s been blessed.’—Halal Cool J.”

8:40 p.m.: @Pats24hrs has exceeded Twitter’s traffic limit, so we’re being advised to switch over to @Pats24hrs2 (the hashtag #pats24hrs is still working fine).

8:45 p.m.: Particularly topical: “‘Remembrance Day is in four days.’—Kanye Lest We Forget.”

9:00 p.m. John Stamos is the early front-runner for the most abuse, and still seems to be perversely happy about being in the deep dark woods. Sample joke, with a Blair Witch reference: “‘This nice lady lets me stand in the corner.’—John Stamos.”

9:50 p.m.: The last couple jokes have riffed on a perceived rivalry between Megan Follows and Sarah Polley. There’s a thought; what if we spark a feud?

10:20 p.m.: Stamos is still getting it good: “‘I’ll teach you all the moves I made up to go along with Kokomo.’—Stamos.”

11:10 p.m.: Pat does another recap for the folks at home: new additions include Lloyd Robertson, who’s developed a taste for hookers from Monday to Wednesday, post CTV, and Bobby Flay’s orange dick—the audience has learned to shout out, “How orange is it?” in response to the mention of his member.

11:20 p.m.: Norm Sousa pledges $100 for the first “topic buy” of the night, and chooses Lou Diamond Phillips as the exclusive subject of jokes for the next five minutes. The room gets caught up in the spirit, and Pat coasts on LDP jokes for the next half hour. Samples: “He used to be ‘Lou Coal Phillips’ until Superman squeezed him really damn hard,” and “‘What should I do today?’—Caillou Diamond Phillips.”

12:25 a.m.: Most of the joke submissions are one-liners on small scraps of paper (or from Twitter), but now and again Pat gets a longer submission, like this one: “Reasons it’s great to be Santa Claus.” Among them; Mrs. Claus’ fat bottom, and all the cookies.

12:30 a.m.: Oh, Stames! “‘Sorry my hands smell like onions.’—John Stamos.”

1:05 a.m.: New trends include Walter Math-Cow, and Smee, the second-in-command on Captain Hook’s ship. A recent favourite: “‘My dreams are weird.’—Hibernating bear.”

1: 15 a.m.: Pat takes his first bathroom break after more than eight hours, and we head home to write these up—but we’ll be back again tomorrow, with a final recap!