Televisualist: Dog Days (Not Actual Dogs, Metaphorical Ones)
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Televisualist: Dog Days (Not Actual Dogs, Metaphorical Ones)

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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This image represents what it is like to be a television critic when absolutely everybody is just gonna go hang out on a patio instead of staying in to watch TV, and the TV programmers know it. Illustration by Brett Lamb/Torontoist.

Monday

The Bachelorette comes to its end, as Ashley must choose between Ben, the hunky winemaker, and J.P., the gawky-but-cute construction manager. Which one of these suitors will receive the final rose? Tune in to find out tonight! (The preceding blurb was generated by the Enthus-O-Matic 3000. Enthus-O-Matic: every critic’s solution for when enthusiasm for a subject cannot be generated by human means.) (City, 8 p.m.)
All this week, Teletoon is airing Bender’s Game, the third of the four straight-to-DVD Futurama movies, in half-hour chunks. It’s the one with approximately seven thousand Dungeons and Dragons references and thus beloved by nerds. It’s not quite as good as the best of Futurama, but it’s certainly not bad. (9 p.m.)

Tuesday

Take the Money and Run is a new reality show wherein a couple of “robbers” are given a briefcase which “contains $100,000” and an hour to hide it. Then a competing team of detectives is given 24 hours to find the briefcase. If they find it, they keep the money. If they don’t, the “robbers” keep the money. This is a fascinating concept and sure to be extremely exciting! (The preceding blurb was generated by the Enthus-O-Matic 3000. Do not use the Enthus-O-Matic when discussing Coen Brothers movies, The Wire or Jonathan Franzen novels; it is not calibrated for these settings.) (CTV, 9 p.m.)

Wednesday

Canada Sings is yet another singing competition reality show, this one featuring singing groups competing for the chance to win $10,000 for their favorite charity, and featuring the judging talents of Jann Arden and Vanilla Ice. I, for one, can’t wait to hear Vanilla Ice’s incisive critiques of amateur singers. I am certain they will be insightful, fair and noteworthy. (Be forewarned that the hyperbole dial on the Enthus-O-Matic 3000 can short the device out if left at 10 for an extended period of time. User is risking damage to the system.) (Global, 9 p.m.)
Shark Week is here! Tonight we can all watch Killer Great White Christmas, which is not a Christmas special featuring the ’80s rock band Great White, but instead about the 1957 Christmastime shark attack spree in South Africa. Sharks! Sharks rule! (Discovery Channel, 8 p.m.)
“You wanna know how you do it? Here’s how, they pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. That’s the Chicago way, and that’s how you get Capone!” “I want you to find this nancy-boy Eliot Ness, I want him dead! I want his family dead! I want his house burned to the ground! I wanna go there in the middle of the night and I wanna piss on his ashes!” The Untouchables is always worth another viewing. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
They’re burning the remaining episodes of CHAOS, the spy-dramedy series that critics unanimously liked and unanimously predicted to be cancelled near-immediately. Now’s your last chance to watch them before having to purchase them on DVD or Netflix Instant them. (Global, 10 p.m.)

Thursday

This week on Tori and Dean’s sTORIbook Weddings: Tori and Dean put together a Bollywood-themed wedding! This will no doubt be tasteful and not at all cliched! (The Enthus-O-Matic 3000 can save preset enthusiasm algorithms for shows. Would this piece of enthusiasm be appropriately false for all episodes of the show you have just blurbed? Would you like to save it for future use? [Y/N]) (Slice, 10 p.m.)
Rogue Sharks is a fancy name for “man-eating sharks,” since normal sharks don’t go after people. Televisualist’s theory as to rogue sharks: there are no rogue sharks. There are only misunderstood sharks, since all sharks eat constantly, and by the virtue of statistics some sharks will end up eating a lot of people. They’re probably quite nice sharks once you get past the people-eating. And really, given that people eat many more sharks than sharks eat people, can we really complain about the occasional man-eating shark? We think not. (Discovery Channel, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Homer They Fall,” wherein Homer embarks on a career as a hobo-fighting professional boxer. “Homer, you don’t know how to box, you’re 38 years old, and you haven’t gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you’ve had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle.” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

Friday

NBC debuts Friends With Benefits, which is not related to the entertaining Mila Kunis/Justin Timberlake romcom currently playing in theatres, but is in fact even better because who wants to watch Kunis and Timberlake when you could instead watch Ryan “Dick Casablancas in Veronica Mars” Hansen and Daneel Ackles, formerly of One Tree Hill, do the same schtick? Except in sitcom form! That’s sure to revolutionize the entire idea and make it fresh and new! (Enthus-O-Matic Warning! Warning! Reaching dangerous levels of unreality! Logic circuits will be compromised if this level of activity continues! Consider instead recapping reruns of Seinfeld and claiming they are “always fresh.”) (8 p.m.)
Tonight’s Shark Week offering is How Sharks Hunt, which proves to be a fascinating and eye-opening look into… sharks eating things, we guess. Who cares? It’s sharks! Sharks are awesome! (Discovery Channel, 8 p.m.)

The Weekend

The Teen Choice Awards are tonight, featuring appearances by Selena Gomez and Will.i.am! The TCAs are always a fresh view into youth culture, and (WARNING WARNING MELTDOWN IMMINENT MELTDOWN IMMINENT SHUT DOWN ENTHUS-O-MATIC IMMEDIATELY MELTDOWN MELTDOWN MELTDOWN) (Fox, 8p.m.)

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