Televisualist: Heroic Bisexual Succubus Fairy Time
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Televisualist: Heroic Bisexual Succubus Fairy Time

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

She's so heroic! And so bisexual! And also a succubus.

Monday

The 2011 U.S. Open will be on all this week, the final Grand Slam tennis championship of the season, and the story in tennis of late has been the gradual deterioration of Roger Federer from “tennis god among tennis men” to “merely one of the best tennis players alive.” Under other circumstances this would still make Federer extremely likely to win a Grand Slam tournament every year, but unfortunately he plays in an era with Rafael Nadal, who has ascended to tennis godhood himself, and Novak Djokovic is only a step behind. This means that Roger Federer, who has the most Grand Slam wins in men’s tennis history, is now the underdog. Which is crazy, when you think of it. (TSN, starting at 1 p.m.)

If you’re interested in a little bit of television history, you can witness the beginning of the modern age sitcom trope of “ugly guy, hot wife” as tonight you can catch the pilot of The King of Queens, where Leah Remini is TV-married to Kevin James. Yes, we know Kevin James has a winning personality (well, except for making Zookeeper). But even so. (CFMT, 10:30 p.m.)

Tuesday

Sibling Rivalry is W’s latest show about housing (one of nine, for those of you counting). Maybe W has decided women really like shows about houses! Anyway, this one is about two fraternal twins (one male, one female) who each buy their potential dream home and begin renovating them to make them into actual dream homes. If you like shows about renovating, then you will probably like this show! Assuming the twins thing is enough to make it different in viewers’ eyes from all of the other renovation shows out there. (8 p.m.)

Big Sexy is a new TLC reality show about plus-size models, which is certainly welcome territory for a new reality show, and that’s all we’ll say about that. (10 p.m.)

Showcase has the Canadian premiere of the third season of Burn Notice. Which, as most of you who watch the show are aware, is currently well into its fifth season in the United States. At this rate, when a Canadian basic cable channel finally gets around to picking up Leverage (and why hasn’t that happened yet?), we will be six or seven seasons behind when it “premieres.” (10 p.m.)

Wednesday

The second season finale of The Listener airs tonight, and if we’re being honest, Televisualist honestly hadn’t noticed that a second season of CTV’s drama about a psychic…uh…dude had ever premiered. Or been purchased by CTV. Frankly we’re hard-pressed to remember anything about the first season. So congratulations, Listener! You succeeded where we didn’t see it happen! (8 p.m.)

Picnicface is the new sketch comedy show starring the Halifax comedy troupe of the same name. These are the guys most famous for creating PowerThirst (although we have always preferred “Women In Comedy” or “Real Zone” more), and frankly they deserved their own show a long time ago, so let’s be glad they finally have one and hope that they don’t choke now that they’ve hit the big time. IT’S REAL! (Comedy Network, 10 p.m.)

Thursday

Warehouse 13 returns for its third season, and honestly, does anybody watch this show for any other reason than Saul Rubinek? Saul Rubinek is awesome. Saul Rubinek needs his own television show where he gets to be all Rubinekky for an entire episode. Actually, come to think, Rubinekky is a great goddamned title and we recommend it to any smart TV person who wants to use it. You owe us a hundred dollars, though! (Showcase, 10 p.m.)

Holmes Inspection returns for its third season, and we admit that when we mentioned that Sibling Rivalry would have to distinguish itself from all the other home renovation shows we were being entirely facetious. These shows don’t have to distinguish themselves at all to attract viewers: they rely on being the same as all the other renovation shows, because they are distraction fodder, something that’s on for the sake of being on that is mildly interesting and competently made. Nobody really sits down and says “I want to watch a home renovation show right now!” They sit down and flip through channels, and look, there is the nice TV renovator doing his TV renovating, and it’s something to watch while you eat dinner or just lie back and vegetate. It is the television equivalent of fast food. Which doesn’t make it necessarily bad, because some fast food is delicious. But…you see the problem of shows which are designed to be blandly comforting rather than brilliant, yes? (HGTV, 9 p.m.)

Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Realty Bites,” wherein Marge becomes a real estate agent; features the very last appearance of Lionel Hutz, just prior to Phil Hartman’s death. “I’m going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that’s for sale. And the right person is anyone.” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

It’s the second season premiere of Lost Girl, and that means heroic bisexual succubus fairy television is here to stay! Hooray! Next season on The Good Wife, we shall discover that the Good Wife is in fact a bisexual succubus fairy. The Good Wife was already heroic, see, so they don’t need to establish that bit. (Showcase, 9 p.m. Sunday)

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