Declassified: Urine Sample, Nude Tanning Spot, Huge Apartment Needed

In this edition we declassify a terrible prank, a frustrated apartment hunter, and the problems facing local surfer boys

By John Semley • Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

Pregnant woman’s piss needed for hilarious prank where you sell me piss and then I drink your piss and see if it gives me an erection. This will be such a gag! Can’t wait to see the look on your face!

If you guys want to know why there’s not more surfing in our fair city, here’s your answer: this town is completely inhospitable to the surfer boy subculture! Besides the long, cold winters, which force the surfer boys indoors to tan under dangerous UV lamps and watch Endless Summer over and over again, there aren’t nearly enough areas to suntan in the nude. Come on, Toronto! Do we want to be the city that forces our surfer boys to swagger around the city with tan lines? They look ridiculous! The solution is obvious: either we need to radically rewire about nude sunbathing, or risk losing our city’s vital surfer boys. Then, if we can somehow figure out a way to change the axis of the Earth so Toronto is constantly facing the sun, we can finally become the surfer boy paradise we weren’t always meant to be.

Hey this guy’s right. Well, he has part of a point, at least. Apartments are too expensive. And Toronto is the home of the shitty, misrepresented basement apartment (“plenty of light!”). Nobody ever mentions that when you live in a basement you can hear the idiots above you walking around all the time. But it’s not really Craigslist’s fault. And what is “clicking stamina” exactly? Sorry you have to click through apartments and can’t get down to channeling all your pent-up click aggression towards a quick game of five-on-one. Then again, if we didn’t have an apartment to masturbate inside of, we’d be ticked off too.

[HAT TIP: Reader Rachel Lissner, who consistently sends in hilarious Craigslist finds.]

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].