Declassified: Indecent Exposures, Lite Brite Shirts, and More Dumb Stuff!

By John Semley

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

A mystery in every box! Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

Things Torontoist will herein declassify: reasons for not leaving a camera around, why you should never find a roommate on Craigslist, and more.

So okay, besides the fact that this looks exactly like my old roommate Sean, down to the telltale twisty glass-piece and the fact that I can place him at this Descendents show, who takes a photo like this on a disposable camera? It’s not like you can develop it yourself. Somebody, at some point, is going to see it. Why do it? Unless you want to get caught. Or you get off on the thrill of leaving disposable cameras with sort-of-nude pictures of you on them around like some pervo Johnny Appleseed. Get your life together, Sean.

So you know those friends that nobody has who will pay for your rent on the condition that you hang out nude and act all buddy-buddy? Yeah, well. Cripes. The internet is disgusting. But you know what’s even more disgusting? The human body.

The dating life of the guy selling these stupid shirts: “Hey babe, if you think my shirt lights up, you should see my…babe? Babe?!” BAAAABE!!!! No! Why do they always run away when I yell at them from the passenger window of my mom’s moving Prius?!” Ha ha ha. These shirts are for idiots and we just made fun of you! “Pew pew pew! I have lights on my shirt! Look’t me!” Shut up. Nobody cares. Shirts are for wearing. Not for having…lights on.

It’s surely not impossible that people do Twin Peaks–themed roleplay. You can get into some pretty kinky stuff. Like one person’s the giant and the other’s the dancing dwarf. Or one person’s the spinster that talks to a log and the other’s the child-molesting spirit-demon, and they get all ripped on coke and damn fine coffee and hump like it’s Leland Palmer on his daughter’s coffin. But these are the kinds of scenarios you should try to farm out within your group of friends, guy with a smoking fetish who doesn’t look at all like Kyle MacLachlan.
Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].