Declassified: Your Soy-Based Faux-Anaconda Meat Substitute

By John Semley

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

Things Torontoist will herein declassify: why you should never shave, what to feed your pet, why you should keep your wife satisfied, and more.

We’re not sure if vegetarian snakes actually exist. But the serpent did tempt Eve with an apple, not a rat. So maybe. And did you hear the one about the snake on a plane that ordered the kosher meal? Oy!

Because just like you, we’re not at all above laughing at “package” jokes.

First of all, if you’re referring to Bill Herbert’s adaptation of Hansel and Gretel starring the guy from Hill Street Blues and the girl from Eight is Enough, then you’re wrong. It’s not that bad. Next, is “collecting stuff” really that attractive a trait? Well, your collection of Spawn action figures is probably better than, like, a collection of STIs or something. Also, nobody picks up the phone anymore, guy. Welcome to the twenty-first century. It’s 2011. They’re probably re-making Warlock Moon as we speak.

Damn it. This is why, even though it tends to get sweaty and gross, you never shave your beard for summer.

Ha! Think about this poor schmuck, eh? Can’t even satisfy his old lady! Wait a second….house in the Annex…elderly Asian neighbour?! SHEILA HOW COULD YOU!!!!!
Anyone for darts?
Thanks to Jonah Campbell for the film-casting tip.
Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].