Welcome to Your New SUBWAY^TM System, Toronto

By Torontoist Staff

Click on the map to view a full-size version.

So apparently the TTC is contemplating, or at least willing to entertain proposals for, selling the naming rights to its lines and stations.

Now, some boring hippies will probably be all “oh that sucks we’re branding everything and we will forever live in a sea of advertisements.” That is the sort of thing that hippies say. They probably complained when SkyDome changed its name to the Rogers Centre, too. But the Rogers Centre sounds respectable. It sounds like a place where your dad might go to look at lawnmowers, and people need to look at lawnmowers. Otherwise they might not know how to best mow their lawn! “SkyDome” just sounds like a place where people blow bubbles and stare at things randomly in a vague and sinister manner. “Ooooooo, we’re going to the SkyDome, kiddies.” And then the child molester who says that waves his unicorn hand puppet at you before he steals your innocence forever. That’s what you get when you listen to hippies.

No, we here at Torontoist know that selling naming rights is the way of the future. It reminds us of the important entities that control and shape our very existences on a daily basis. It makes our public services fundable, because the alternative is raising taxes and nobody wants that, least of all us because now that St. Joseph Media has acquired us we’re finally making serious money with this journalism crap.

So we humbly propose that the TTC brand absolutely everything. We’ve done some mock-ups so the TTC can see what a great idea this is!

But, even better than that, we also have a solution for the boring liberals who will complain about how commercialism erodes and deadens our souls and how the gradual commoditization of public space destroys the concept of public ownership and blah blah look at my earth shoes blah blah blah. We propose that the TTC look into selling very, very dark pairs of sunglasses for these people. They can put the dark glasses on and stumble their way innocently through every TTC station, whether that TTC station has sold its naming rights to Apple or George Stroumboulopoulos. Also, some of them might fall down the stairs, and then they would stop complaining about branding and start complaining about their broken hips instead. We would feel more sympathy for them that way.

(We’re sure George Stroumboulopoulos will go for it, if only so that the world has a large and helpful reminder of how to spell his last name. If we were George Stroumboulopoulos, we would definitely get tired of people misspelling our last name or suggesting that we just change it to “Strombo” forever. Besides, now that he’s a United Nations Ambassador Against Hunger, he’s got to have some walking-around money he could throw at this.)

So here’s our proposal. We already have some of these sponsors lined up! Call us, TTC! We can make this happen!

COMPLETE ROUTE MAP

HUGO BOSSINGTON STATION

MR. CHRISTIE STATION

ST. GEORGE STROUMBOULOPOULOS STATION

DU PONT STATION

Concept, map, and station images by Michael Chrisman. Writing by Christopher Bird. Station names by Torontoist staff, especially Christopher Bird. Additional assistance by Jamie Bradburn and Hamutal Dotan.