Declassified: We're on a Drug. It's Called...Ah, Nevermind
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Declassified: We’re on a Drug. It’s Called…Ah, Nevermind

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

Things Torontoist will herein declassify: how to rent an apartment, unload a mattress, find a Jesus lookalike who’s into kink, and pick up a single mother if you’re Charlie Sheen.

Men, Men, Men, Men, Manly Men

So, yeah, we’re as sick with lazy Charlie Sheen jokes as the rest of you. But there’s only one word to describe someone who spotted a single mother at a Charlie Sheen concert (what?) and then tried to pick her up on Craigslist, and who may or may not be Charlie Sheen: winning.


While it’s unlikely that anyone who’s actually homeless would suddenly be able to afford a $950/month apartment (though, depressingly, that’s somehow pretty reasonable for an all-inclusive one bedroom), we strongly endorse all the other unchecked snark in this ad. Because even with ViewIt and what-not, a lot of landlords still don’t bother to offer much except some vague description and, if you’re lucky, a picture of the front door and stove. Also: CARPETS! AND INTERNET! HOLY SHIT!

For Sale: Queen-Sized Mattress. Never Used.

One of the only garage sale ads that also functions as an especially despairing w4m personal ad.

On the Third Day He Rose Again…To Cable TV Stardom!

With Jesus’s wake currently on the horizon, it makes sense that people would be searching out aspiring young actors to play a version of the Only Son of God who is also really into autoerotic asphyxiation for an “HBO-esque” cable channel. Or maybe Jesus really was into kinky edgeplay. It seems like the kind of thing the Church would strategically leave out of the Holy Gospels. But we haven’t read enough of that Paul Verhoeven book about the historical Jesus to know for sure.
Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].