Declassified: Fantail Pigeons and Ketchup Dreams
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Declassified: Fantail Pigeons and Ketchup Dreams

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

In this extra-special, last-of-the-year edition of Declassified: a free bird that has nothing to do with Lynyrd Skynyrd, and one man’s tomatoey ambition.

A Rare Bird

An almost-toilet-trained, misogynistic pigeon would not be the worst Craigslist date we’ve ever had.

Very Dicey

Yeah, you’re going to need your own transportation if you’re serious about your dice girl career. There’s no telling when and where a game of dice might break out. Previous dice experience is an asset. The successful applicant will also possess their own crew of dice players, and dice.

Cat In Distress

If there’s another type of emergency in which someone’s next move after calling the fire department would be to post an ad on Craigslist, it’s not coming to mind.

The Ketchup Series

The saddest part about this is how the enthusiasm builds over each successive post and then tapers off in the final one. Don’t give up, guy. Somewhere on the internet is another frustrated wage slave whose veins flow with ketchup. Don’t give up the dream.