Declassified: Secessionism, Civic Swaps, Evil Dolls, and Morality for Idiots

By John Semley

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the internet, and ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist. In Declassified, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

Things Torontoist will herein declassify: the secretly snooty elitism of downtowners, a haunted plaything, some high-level moral questions, and how much we love Naheed Nenshi.

Maybe the reason people in the outer boroughs of the Megacity hate downtowners and then elect politicians like Rob Ford totally out of spite is because a lot of downtowners really do act like snooty elites with their heads lodged squarely up their well-pampered asses. Though you seem convinced that the population of Windsor and Hamilton are “illiterate” and “churchmice” (whatever that means*), we’re pretty sure they would take none too kindly to being referred to as such. This is why the rest of Canada hates us, guys. That and we can’t resist making jokes at the expense of the Tragically Hip. Or wait. Is the joke even at the expense of the Tragically Hip? Isn’t the implication that they have a lot of good songs, and you could put together a list of them that could be considered “exhaustive”? Oh boy, this high-minded New Yorker caption contest humour is way over my head.
*Just kidding. We know what it means. The point is we’d never actually use it in a sentence.

Speaking of the Ford-meister, here’s an interesting trade. Those of us who know next-to-nothing about Calgary—it’s in Manitoba or something, right?—can’t help but think Rob Ford would be a great fit for mayor. After all, he’s got that kind of Bush Jr. good ol’ boy charm (if you want to call it that) that might translate well onto the backdrop of Canada’s oil-rich Rockies. And he seems like a guy who likes a good steak. And could cut a hilarious figure in a pair cowboy boots. Meanwhile, here in Hogtown, there’s nothing we downtowners love more than a dorky grassroots-type guy who is a member of a religious minority. And wears glasses. And is so cute we just want to pinch his widdle cheeks. Yes we do! Yes we do! It looks like we’ll have to keep dreaming. Unless we can think of something else to sweeten the pot for Calgary. But what? Our National Hockey League franchise? Come on. We would also be willing to swap mayor-elect Ford for either mayors Quimby, McCheese, or a particularly regal-looking rooster wearing a “Mayor” sash.

Dear Satan,
We found the evil doll you left here the last time you rose into our realm in an attempt to pervert our ignoble souls. It’s been crawling around my house for the past two weeks, keeping us up at night whispering horrifying phrases like “Kiss Baby” and “Go Bye Bye.” We are also fairly certain it has murdered the company cat. While we respect pledging our souls to you, Evil One, we really wish you would stop leaving all your malevolent accoutrement around our place every time you pop by. Please come and return it or we’ll be forced to transfer the curse to some unwilling citizen under the auspices of it making a “nice Xmas gift for [a] doll collector.”
Best, as always,
Torontoist

ATTN: all atheists! This high-level moral question is being directed even at you! Pop quiz, you godless hotshots (Christians and philosophy grads feel free to chip in): is it amoral to sell the common flu on the Internet, if you label it as a biological weapon?
Before you set about scratching noggins and wagging chins, bear in mind that the guy doing it is a “moral kinda guy.” Well then it’s a paradox, isn’t it? How can a moral kinda guy do anything immoral? And it’s just the common cold, right? Just a few sniffles. It’s not that bad, let alone out-and-out immoral. Plus it’s on the internet, which isn’t even really a physical space so how can it even really “do” anything in it, right? But what if you sell it to North Korea, which is a real place? Is that immoral? Are we defining “morality” in a descriptive or normative sense? Wow, all this high-level thinking is making us thirsty. Better drink a glass of warm milk and brush up on some Bentham and Kant before even mulling over the one about whether or not developing airborne HIV is unethical. What a jackass. This is what happens when you democratize literacy and Internet access. (Luckily, this bad boy was swiftly flagged for removal. Probably for being deemed categorically immoral.)
Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].