Televisualist: Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro, Et Cetera
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Televisualist: Ale-Alejandro, Ale-Alejandro, Et Cetera

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Torontoist, like all media enterprises, is contractually obligated to depict Lady Gaga at least once per month. Illustration by Brett Lamb/Torontoist.

Monday

If you missed Camp Rock 2: The Final Jam (or, for that matter, the recent Jonas Brothers concert), Family Channel has you covered. Of course, this assumes that you consider watching a Jonas Brothers movie not to be “labour.” We generally do, so we’re not going to spend our Labour Day watching it. But that’s just how we roll. (7 p.m.)
Not all cable coverage gets CTS, and usually nobody cares because this is, after all, the station that advertised the fact that it was airing Saved By The Bell: The New Class on subway posters as if it were a good thing that they were doing this. But tonight, if you’re in the mood for a little television history, you can watch the pilot episodes of The Cosby Show and The Nanny. Historical curiosities, if nothing else. (8 p.m.)

Tuesday

Tonight, Toronto’s mayoral contenders abandon the glory that is CP24 and instead go on The Agenda With Steve Paikin for what will, considering the show in question, likely be a far more substantive debate than usual, demanding intellectual acumen and rigorous amounts of policy knowledge. Insert joke about Rob Ford here. (TVO, 8 p.m.)
Soccer fans hoping to seek revenge on Honduras for how they beat us in World Cup qualifiers and ultimately were more or less responsible for Canada not qualifying have their chance tonight as Team Canada and Team Honduras play an international friendly match. “Friendly.” Indeed. SUCK IT, HONDURAS! (Sportsnet, 7:30 p.m.)

Wednesday

Tyra Banks’ America’s Next Top Model returns for its fifteenth “cycle,” because models (and Tyra Banks) are too good to have seasons like the rest of television. As usual, Televisualist has no opinion about this show. But a lot of people think it is important (including Tyra Banks, but it is more or less her job to think it is important), so we mention it. Reader (and Tyra Banks) service! (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
Hellcats is a new CW teen drama about a pre-law student in Tennessee who loses her scholarship and so, to stay in school, she joins the cheerleading team to get an athletics scholarship instead, even though she totally hates cheerleading. She does this because, in Hollywood, there is no such thing as a student loan. However, Hollywood recognizes that it needs to make shows like this more realistic, which is why they have cast a mid-twentysomething hunky blonde guy with perfect abs as the main character’s best friend with a secret crush on her, just like we all have got. Mine calls himself “Sven.” He’s kind of clingy. (A-Channel, 9 p.m.)

Thursday

The Vampire Diaries kicks off its second season, and I can’t take this show seriously because one of the lead actors looks like if you took James Van Der Beek and made a plastic action figure out of him. This show has Van Der Beek with Kung Fu Action Grip. That is all you need to know about it. (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
Meltdown is CBC’s latest documentary short series—a four-parter about the financial crash. What triggered it, who profited, what happened as a result, et cetera. CBC’s documentary series are uniformly excellent and we have every reason to believe this one will continue that trend. (9 p.m.)
Nikita is the latest re-envisioning of La Femme Nikita, the French movie about a street rat turned assassin that has since been remade into an American movie version (that was kind of bad) and then an American TV series (that was sort of okay). This time around, the super-awesome Maggie Q plays Nikita, so if nothing else the fighty parts should be pretty solid. (A-Channel, 9 p.m.)

Friday

Stand Up To Cancer is a one-hour telethon wherein celebrities explain to us that cancer is bad. This is the second year they’ve done this; the first year managed to raise about $100 million for cancer research. Take that, cancer! Of course, since then cancer has killed off many people, including Patrick Swayze, so at best we’ve got a tie going here. (all major networks other than CBC, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Fear of Flying,” wherein Homer is banned from Moe’s, and Marge is afraid of, well, you know. “Wait a minute… there’s something bothering me about this place… I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies.” (CJMT, 7:30 p.m.)

The Weekend

There are plenty of great baseball movies, but really very few great football movies. There are so few great football movies that Varsity Blues is often counted as one of the great football movies, which is just sad. North Dallas Forty, on the other hand, is undoubtedly one of the great football movies, because it manages to be a funny and true-feeling light on how the NFL worked in the 1970s, crazed partying and drug use and all. Highly recommended. (Sportsnet, 8:30 p.m. Sunday)
If you like country music, then there’s the Canadian Country Music Awards. And if not, watch something else. We save our country music jokes for the American awards shows, of which there are half a dozen every year, it seems. (CBC, 8 p.m. Sunday)
Space reruns Tin Man, the not-perfect-but-not-bad re-envisioning of The Wizard of Oz featuring Zooey Deschanel in the Dorothy role, and also featuring Alan Cumming, Neal McDonough, and Richard Dreyfuss. It’s sometimes too dark for its own good, but the acting is quite decent and the plot smart. (9 p.m. Sunday)
The story of this year’s MTV Video Music Awards is that Lady Gaga has been nominated for, at last count, eleventy billion of them. Will she win everything ever, or will she become the Color Purple of meaningless corporate video music awards? Only time will tell. Time, and the people who decide which top-selling artist gets an ego-blowjob this year. (MuchMusic, 9 p.m.)

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