Declassified: Set Phasers For Love
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Declassified: Set Phasers For Love

A lot of people do a lot of weird stuff on the Internet. And ground zero for commercial e-weirdness is Craigslist, the online flea market where you can find everything from a used sofa to tickets to a Jay’s game to a suitable one-night stand. In this new column, Torontoist combs over our city’s listings to find the best (and worst) of the bunch.

Illustration by Roxanne Ignatius/Torontoist.

In this edition of Declassified: enormous rats, searching for sitcom lookalikes, Twilight stalkers, G20 missed connections, and looking for love (or at least kinky sex) in all the wrong spaces.

Kink: The Final Frontier

Yikes. Who’d have thought a thirty-year-old man who spends most of his time in a lab coat doing pharmaceutical research would be a Star Trek fan? The odds are, like, one in…one. At least he’s not trying to measure up to Shatner’s chesty machismo, instead preferring to roleplay as the xenophobic telepaths from the “Spectre of a Gun” episode or the reptilian (read: guy in a reptile costume) Gorn. Still, his fantasy is pretty involved (being an inter-species rape scenario rooted firmly in the expanded Star Trek canon), and may pique the interest of kinkier Trekkies. And the “set your phasers on love” bit is actually pretty adorable. If only some astro-damsel would reach out to him! If only Star Trek fans used the internet!

Talk About Your Faustinoian Bargains…


Hey you! Are you a leggy redhead with a bouffant hairdo? Do you wear skin-tight spandex pants and leopard print tops? Do you stumble around in open toe stilettos and spend all your time watching Donahue and begging your boorish sitcom husband for mutually unsatisfying sex? Do your friends tell you that you look like Peg Bundy, as if anyone who looks like Peg Bundy wouldn’t have been aware of it and undergone a serious 180 degree makeover decades ago? Then we want you to grin like an idiot while David Faustino pantomimes his way through the death throes of his non-career! Compensation: a tidy one hundred dollars, redeemable in cash or as two fifty dollar Turtle Jack’s coupons.

Some G20 Love

Leave it to our old friend Love to show up in the unlikeliest of places. During, and in the wake of, the G20, we heard plenty of reports detailing police abuse, Charter-smashing extra-legal shows of authority, and other such harrowing tales of democracy pitched out the window. But there was very little romance. Finally, one peaceful protester reaches out to her star-cross’d lover, a bicycle cop. It’s like something out of West Side Story or Baz Luhrmann’s William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet. Even in the darkest of moments, the flames of true romance can flicker. ‘Cos you know what they say about fate: when it smashes the window of a Starbucks…it…opens a door…for romance. Or something.

Twi-ing a Bit Too Hard

“No but really! I think we’d have a lot in common! Why won’t you message me? Don’t you want your dash ornament and Jann Arden CDs back? C’mon!”
Weirdest part of this: what kind of Twilight fan is old enough to drive a car? Gross.

Rats Off To Ya!

If this is a) an actual rat, and b) it does anything besides teach martial arts and fortune cookie morality to a bunch of mutated teenaged turtles, we should all consider pulling up stakes and moving back in with our parents in whatever dull-as-shit Ontario ‘burb we came from. Anyone actually from Toronto should consider moving into one of those garish, immaculately secure penthouse condo developments on Avenue Road, and then promptly tucking their pants into their socks and never, ever leaving. Ever.

Find listings we should include in our next edition? Email them to [email protected].