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Televisualist: Red Card, Regis Philbin
Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
Regis goes for the gold! Illustration by Brett Lamb/Torontoist.
Monday
World Cup today: Portugal takes on North Korea for a probable win at 7:15 a.m. Chile and Switzerland battle for the win that would guarantee one of them a place in the round of sixteen at 9:45 a.m. Finally, Spain seeks to shake off their first-match loss by beating Honduras at 2:15 p.m., but Honduras is a western hemisphere team, and the western hemisphere is having a very good World Cup thus far; Honduras is the only team from the Americas to lose a match so far, and they lost to Chile. (All games CBC)Tuesday
Wipeout returns to regular airing after that special a couple of weeks ago, and it is still gloriously stupid fun in all the best ways. Televisualist refuses to apologize for laughing at people flopping around a bouncy obstacle course. The world needs more bouncy obstacle courses. Think how much more awesome the G20 would be if, instead of fences, there were giant bouncy obstacle courses. The protestors would all stop protesting and be all “wheeeeee!” (Global, 8 p.m.)But there are also bad game shows. For example, there is Downfall. This is a pretty standard trivia show, with the “twist” that it is played on top of a tall building, and if contestants lose, their money and prizes are thrown over the side along with the contestants. No, really, that’s pretty much the only thing that makes this game show stand out. Well, we guess the fact that Chris Jericho is the host is kind of notable if you want to be nice. (CTV, 9 p.m.)
World Cup today: Mexico and Uruguay play their final game in Group A at 9:45 a.m.; a tie means Uruguay and Mexico will come out first and second respectively in Group A regardless of anything else. A win by either team opens the door for pitiful whiny France (boooo!) or hometown heroes South Africa (yayyyy!) to win by a large margin and sneak into second place; that game airs on tape delay at noon.
Over in Group B, Argentina and Greece play at 2:15 p.m., and although Argentina should clobber Greece and sail through to first place, this is not quite decided yet; a Greece win wouldn’t decide things either. Finally, also on tape delay, you can watch the second of the two final games in group B as Nigeria play South Korea at 7:30 p.m. (All games CBC)
Wednesday
The NHL goes to Las Vegas to celebrate the NHL Awards! Las Vegas is of course is the first thing you think of when you think of hockey. (CBC, 8:30 p.m.)World Cup today: Group C concludes, being like most of the others completely unresolved and mostly up in the air. England play Slovenia at 9:45 a.m. and the USA play Algeria at noon, and everybody had England/USA picked to go through first and second in this group before the Cup started, but then it turned out England’s team was actually really kind of shitty and then the USA got a goal disallowed by a really bad referee and as a result Slovenia leads the group, which is just weird, and we don’t think even Slovenians would disagree with that.
Meanwhile in Group D, Germany plays Ghana at 2:15. Group D is another group where everything is still up in the air, because Serbia beat Germany somehow and then Australia tied Ghana, who are probably the best chance for an African team to advance to the round of sixteen, but now they have to play Germany, who are pissed off because Serbia snookered them yet again and the last time that happened they started World War I. Meanwhile Serbia play Australia, if by “meanwhile” we mean “tape delayed to 7 p.m.” (all games CBC)
Thursday
More Wipeout! God loves us and wants us to be happy. (Global, 8 p.m.)Rookie Blue is described in the promo packet as “Grey’s Anatomy in the world of rookie cops,” which sounds absolutely terrible. It might not be terrible at all, of course, despite that awful tagline. But here’s the thing: it’s another US/Canada co-production, kind of like Flashpoint, except that instead of CTV and CBS, this time it’s ABC and Global. You kind of wonder if Flashpoint‘s success didn’t make the suits at those two networks think, “hey, we could do that.” Except then they did their own cop show rather than something else. (Global, 9 p.m.)
World Cup today: In Group F, defending world champions Italy hope to actually, like, win a game as they play Slovakia at 9:45 a.m., and Slovakia have not been playing that well at the Cup, but we can hope they suddenly improve because, and we say this meaning no disrespect to the Italian-Canadian fans out there, the Azzuri are diving, ref-buying scumbags. Zinedine Zidane should’ve headbutted more of them, frankly. Also, New Zealand play Paraguay on tape delay at noon, and theoretically New Zealand should not have had a chance at this point to qualify for the round of sixteen, considering that they have players on their team who had to ask for time off from their day jobs to come to the World Cup, but they do have a chance, so hooray All Whites!
Meanwhile, over in Group E, Netherlands play Cameroon at 2:15 p.m. and this is a genuinely meaningless match: the Oranje have already qualified (the only team to manage it in two games this Cup) and Cameroon has no chance of qualifying, so we’re not sure why the CBC decided to air this game live rather than the Denmark/Japan match (airing at 7:30 p.m. on tape delay; presumably the CBC is rife with Dutchmen), given that the second match will determine who gets second place once the Dutch finish whipping Cameroon. The Danes need only a tie to advance; the Japanese need to win. (All games CBC)
Friday
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bart Sells His Soul,” wherein, well, you know. “I’m really sorry. I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs. Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He’s back. In pog form.” (CJMT, 6:30 p.m.)World Cup today: Group G finishes as Brazil and Portugal have at it at 9:45 a.m. in what’s easily the most dramatic match in the entire qualifying round. If they tie, they both advance. However, if one of them wins, Cote d’Ivoire have a very slim chance of advancing if they can beat enough goals out of North Korea at noon. Group H then concludes as Chile plays Spain at 2:15 p.m. and the Honduras/Switzerland game is tape-delayed to 7:30 p.m. (All games CBC)
The Weekend
World Cup over the weekend: The qualifying rounds are done now, so we get the first four games in the round of sixteen. On Saturday, that means first-place in Group A versus second-place in Group B (prediction: Mexico/South Korea) at 9:45 a.m., and first-place in Group C versus second-place in Group D (prediction: USA/Ghana) at 2:15 p.m. On Sunday, there’s first-place in Group D versus second place in Group C (prediction: Germany/Slovenia—yeah, you heard me, English fans) at 9:45 a.m., followed by first-place in Group B versus second-place in Group A (prediction: Argentina/Uruguay) at 2:15 p.m. (All games CBC)The 27th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards are on this weekend! If you care about soap operas, you probably still don’t watch this, because all the awards are for acting. Soaps need an MTV Movie Awards sort of show, where there are statues for “Best Plotline Involving A Clone” and “Least Realistic Rapid Aging Of A Child Character.” You’d watch that, right? And maybe that one wouldn’t be hosted by Regis Philbin. (CBS, 9 p.m.)