news
Newsstand: May 18, 2010
lllustration by Clayton Hanmer/Torontoist.
Metrolinx is pulling out of the station with the revised and reduced Transit City plan in spite of Mayor David Miller’s objections to the extended timeline. New scheduling was required after the province delayed four billion dollars worth of funding for several years, and a number of elements of the program will be pushed out along with the cash. Miller (self-righteously): “Won’t somebody think of the poor folks in Scarborough and Rexdale?” Metrolinx (nervously): “Shut up and stop complaining before they take back the rest of the money.We’re real happy Mr. McGuinty!” Kathleen Wynn (ominously): “Hey, If the mayor and council decide the TTC can’t work with us, that’s a real problem. Just saying.” Best news is that Metrolinx is ready to place an order for giant boring machines, leading to numerous city council jokes.
You know where the province could find some cash? From the more than a billion bucks in unpaid speeding tickets that have accumulated in the province. The Ontario Association of Police Service boards say that lack of appropriate enforcement mechanisms means that Ontario municipalities are losing big money to outlaw drivers, many of them thought to be also out-of-province drivers with no incentive to pay up. Suggested ways of collecting a bigger chunk of ticket revenue include allowing officers to collect fines on the spot, suspending licenses for unpaid tickets, or raising the average fine to a million dollars.
Ever want to live on a boat like crazy, homicidal Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon? Or run a restaurant like crazy, homicidal Gordon Ramsey in Hell’s Kitchen? Well, now you can do both—Captain John’s restaurant, the famous floating eatery down at the foot of Yonge Street, will shortly be up for sale again. It had failed to sell previously, even at a reduced price of $1.1 million, but will go back on the market shortly with a new agent and a new listing.”Rare find! Harbourfront gem, smells like shrimp!”
The Toronto District School Board, which, for some reason, has a secret seven million dollar art collection, is ready to reveal it to the world. The collection, which includes Group of Seven pieces, will go on display sometime in the near future, although details have yet to be disclosed. The National Post reports that the board is “responding to criticism for storing the works out of pubic view.” Sometimes typos are funny.
Twenty-six animal care attendants at the now-infamous Newmarket OSPCA shelter have been killed temporarily laid off due to lack of work. 102 animals were euthanized last week following a ringworm outbreak and the survivors moved to other shelters, leaving attendants with nothing to attend.
Seizures of contraband alcohol by Canadian customs agents jumped 860% between 2008 and 2009, and there have been reports that disposal of the illegal booze (which is supposed to be destroyed) is a process which is poorly supervised and rife with gaps. A spokesman for the Canada Border Services Agency said, “Man, I love you. Shut up.” before trying to call his ex-girlfriend and dropping his cellphone in the toilet.