Televisualist: It's A Hurley Episode!
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Televisualist: It’s A Hurley Episode!

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

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Michael Buble and Drake grapple to the death for a Juno Award! (Pointedly not pictured: Chad from Nickelback.) Illustration by Brett Lamb/Torontoist.

Monday

Wil Wheaton returns to The Big Bang Theory in his now-recurring role as Sheldon’s archenemy. Wheaton’s a fun writer and all, but you just know part of the reason he’s successful again now is because he sat down one day and said, “you know, I don’t think there’s actually a professional nerd out there. Not a guy who’s a nerd who does a job, like an IT support guy or something. A guy whose job it is to be a nerd. I bet there’s a niche for it. I bet I could do it.” And now the rest of us all just sit back and look on in envy at the motherfucker. (CTV, 9:30 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Lisa the Vegetarian,” wherein…well, you know. “It’s just a little airborne! It’s still good! It’s still good!” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

Glee returns after a four-month hiatus, with an amusing casting stunt that is only really amusing if you love musicals: Idina Menzel, who was in the original production of Rent, and who is a dead ringer for an older Lea Michele (who plays Rachel, the striver), shows up as the vocal coach for Vocal Adrenaline, the eeeeeeevil glee club across the street. Yes, this show has an eeeeeeeeevil glee club. That’s why it’s a fun show. (Global, 9:30 p.m.)
Lost this week is a Hurley episode. If you know Lost, that’s all you need to know. And if you don’t know Lost…well, you could always start a blog about watching Lost and not understanding what’s going on. I bet that won’t get old fast. Then maybe you could start a blog where you only read the last chapters of novels and be all “I don’t get it, what are hobbits anyway?” or “Who is Queequeg and why am I supposed to care about his coffin?” I’m sure that’ll go over like gangbusters! (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

The Carol Burnett Show Collector’s Edition is really just a fancy name for a Carol Burnett Show best-of clip show, but so what? Carol Burnett is awesome. Also, if you know who Carol Burnett is, be forewarned you are probably old now. Soon, you will die. (ABC, 8 p.m.)
Hockey playoffs begin tonight, with TSN carrying the New Jersey/Philly opening game followed by Phoenix/Detroit, and the Ceeb carrying the Ottawa/Pittsburgh game followed by San Jose/Colorado. As for Leafs fans…hey, did you catch Lost last night? It was a Hurley episode! Oh, and by the way, Televisualist is calling it right now: the purpose of the alternate reality is so that Desmond can bring back a second John Locke to fight the Enemy. You heard it here first, peoples! And even if you didn’t, you still did. Alternate reality! (first games start at 7 p.m., second games at 10 p.m. for Phoenix/Detroit and 10:30 p.m. for San Jose/Colorado)
Oh my god Tango and Cash. Trash action classic! Jack Palance as the villain! Teri Hatcher as the stripper who plays synth-drums! Syvlester Stallone playing “the classy one”! One of the best of the 1980s Big Dumb Movies, by far. (SunTV, 8 p.m.)

Thursday

Saturday Night Live In The 2000s: Time and Again is a best-of-the-decade special (hey, SNL, that’s reeeeeal timely of you!). Given that the Aughts were the decade where Will Ferrell left, then Tina Fey left, then everybody pretty much left, it kind of makes you wonder how they’re gonna fill up the two hours. Oh, man, how long has it been since the last time SNL was consistently good? If you remember that, you’re also probably old now. (Global, 9 p.m.)
Hockey continues tonight: TSN has Montreal/Washington, TSN2 has Chicago/Nashville, and the Ceeb gets Buffalo/Boston followed by Vancouver/Los Angeles. Edmonton and Calgary fans can watch a tape of an old game. (TSN 7 p.m., TSN2 8:30 p.m., CBC 7 and 10 p.m.)

Friday

NBC has Secrets of the Mountain, wherein “a woman, her three children and an attorney search for treasure on a mountain.” A made-for-TV movie on Friday night starring Barry Bostwick? Sign me up! (8 p.m.)
Stacy and Clinton host the What Not To Wear Awards, which are not so much actual awards so much as they are a clip show which will no doubt reminds us all that Stacy and Clinton are horrible, horrible people who deserve to be eaten alive by fire ants. Rabid fire ants. With gonorrhea. Can ants get gonorrhea? They should be able to, if only for this purpose. (TLC, 9 p.m.)
Allan Gregg In Conversation With…Maude Barlow? Well, that should be an interesting episode of this show, given that I am pretty sure Gregg and Barlow agree on maybe liking chicken as a main dish and that’s about it. (TVO, 10 p.m.)

The Weekend

The 2010 Junos are here! This year, they’ve decided not to have a host (presumably because hosts cost valuable money). Alternately, maybe it’s a surprise host, like, I dunno, Brandon Routh or something. He was Superman, you know! And he’s Canadian! So he could host the Junos. And they could write him some Superman jokes, and…actually, he probably wouldn’t be too bad at it. (CTV, 8 p.m. Sunday)
King Arthur got badly mismarketed back in 2004 because the studio desperately wanted it to be the next Pirates of the Caribbean, when in truth it’s actually a pretty awesome and brutal medieval war movie with Romans and swords and barbarous Celts and swords and violence and blood and swords. Okay, so there are a few plot holes and a couple of bits that don’t make sense, but honestly, if you want to see some awesome sword action, you should probably give it a go. (Bravo! 9 p.m. Sunday)

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