Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
Illustration by Brett Lamb/Torontoist.
MondayThe stupid boring Olympics are still going on and they go on all week. Today, you can watch women’s curling (Canada versus Sweden), men’s curling (Canada versus the US), team sprint cross-country skiing (now there’s a sport that doesn’t have enough adjectives in it!), ski jumping (still the stupidest sport ever invented), and the medal round of ice dancing. (TSN, SportsNet, CTV, NBC, APTN, Outdoor Life)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer’s Barbershop Quartet,” which is probably the best single Simpsons episode ever. “I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man’s hat.” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)
TuesdayToday in Olympic fever: more curling (women: Canada vs. Great Britain; men: Canada vs. China)! More skiing (men’s giant slalom)! Speed skating (men’s 10,000 m gold medal final)! Excitement! (Theoretically on TSN, SportsNet, CTV, NBC, APTN, and Outdoor Life)
The top twelve female semifinalists perform on American Idol and normally Televisualist wouldn’t mention it but there’s barely anything else on except fucking Olympics. This year the female semifinalists include someone named “Siobhan Magnus,” in strong contention for “best American Idol name ever.” Go Siobhan Magnus! If you do not become the American Idol, perhaps you can find some country in need of a strong-armed dictator’s wife. (Fox, 8 p.m.)
WednesdayToday in Olympic whatever: you know you’re into the home stretch when the women’s individual figure skating gets into gear, as it does tonight with the short program. Also: cross-country skiing relay (you know what makes cross-country skiing even more exciting? Having lots of people do it) and bobsled, which was last interesting when John Candy coached the Jamaicans to a noble loss. (TSN, SportsNet, CTV, NBC, APTN, Outdoor Life)
The top twelve male semifinalists perform on American Idol tonight. Interesting note one: because last year the boys had the temerity to be more popular and talented than the girls, this year Fox is going back to the elimination model that gets rid of them at an even pace. Interesting note two: there is one boy named Alex Lambert, about whom the most interesting fact is that he is not related to Adam Lambert. Interesting note three: there is also one guy who totally looks like Sawyer on Lost. (Fox, 8 p.m.)
ThursdayToday in Olympics, on what is traditionally NBC’s powerhouse television night, we have the women’s figure skating medal finals, the men’s freestyle aerials medal finals, and the women’s gold medal hockey game. Also, for some reason, 10 km cross-country, which is a sport and all, we know, but putting it with figure skating and gold medal hockey is kinda like watching an episode of Perfect Strangers right before you watch Raiders of the Lost Ark: you just look at it and say “why am I watching this?” (TSN, SportsNet, CTV, NBC, APTN, Outdoor Life)
Eight-Legged Freaks is actually a pretty good little monster movie, even with the presence of David Arquette, mostly because giant spiders are actually really scary if you think about it and everybody runs away from the giant spiders and then they try to fight the giant spiders and most of them get killed. Really, on the short list of giant spider movies, this one is at the top. (CHCH, 9 p.m.)
FridayToday in Olympics: women’s gold medal curling, men’s hockey semifinals, men’s speed skating relays, women’s biathlon relay (yes, there is a relay for fucking biathlon), slalom skiing, and four-man bobsled. Woohoo. (TSN, SportsNet, CTV, NBC, APTN, Outdoor Life)
Dear the person who thought it was oh so clever to air Blades of Glory, the Will Ferrell/Jon Heder figure skating “comedy,” as counterprogramming against the Olympics: one day, when you least expect it, I am going to hunt you down and punch you in your genitals. No, I’m not kidding. Right in your genitals. (ABC, 8 p.m.)