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Newsstand: December 16, 2009
It’s not that getting Igor Kenk convicted for running an incredibly prolific bike theft outfit isn’t worthy of praise, but it’s a bit unconvincing, after employing tremendous legal resources and at least 140 police officers to bring Kenk to justice, to act as if putting him behind bars until spring 2010 is a job well done. Kenk, in case you forgot, may be the only thing Toronto cyclists hate more than the stuff on this new list of stuff they say they hate. He allegedly ran a bike-theft ring that stole thousands of bicycles from Toronto streets and paid henchmen in cash and drugs. As part of a plea bargain, Kenk owned up to ten theft-related charges and six involving drugs, and the Crown quietly dropped sixty-four others. His sentence comes to four months (that’s just under an hour per bike) plus time already served. And this despite the fact that police say they found seventy thousand dollars worth of cocaine and pot in his house, and never mind the 2,865 bikes they seized. Kenk actually seems to have been such a kingpin that bike thefts dropped by almost a fifth while he was in captivity, though it’s hard to guess whether or not that’s just a coincidence. Check back around April and maybe we’ll see.
This is an aside, but it’s especially lousy timing for Kenk to be headed back to the bike-lined streets of Toronto since our other major means of budget- and environmentally friendly transportation, the TTC, is in such bad shape. Did we say budget-friendly? Adam Giambrone, for one, seems to think the transit agency isn’t too hard on the pocketbook. He’s even predicting that its budget will be voted through despite having an unsightly fourty-six-million-dollar hole in it.
Now here’s a weird one. Apparently icanhazcheezburger.com the Liberal Party of Canada decided to ask people to send in photoshopped Stephen Harper pictures illustrating his poor track record on environmental issues. O-ho, you slay us, Grits. Shockingly, considering their death-grip on the concept of humour, the Party accidentally crossed the line when they posted this. In what may be remembered as a teensy PR slip, the fake photo showing the prime minister being gunned down in a Texas police station stayed online just long enough to bring down a storm of Conservative rage, Liberal facepalms, and baby Jesus’s tears. Come on, now, this is how it’s done, son.
Oh, there’s some more bizarre and regrettable news, but first the silver lining: A Canadian rock group has been declared “Band of the Decade.” Okay, now the other part: It’s Nickelback. This was announcement came not from Nickelback themselves, as many would expect, but from Billboard magazine. For whatever it’s worth, the honour wasn’t bestowed by critics, but sheer chart success. At least this didn’t happen in Canada, but we figured you’d be interested. And we hoped one of you might be able to prove that this is all another joke gone horribly wrong. In the meantime, thanks to not Googling carefully, we now know Urban Dictionary’s blood-curdlingly sexual take on the word “Nickelback” (we won’t link to it, and you’re welcome). Honestly, though, it’s hard to decide which one sounds worse. That’s enough for now, thanks. Go grab a morning coffee—just remember, Chad Kroeger started out at Starbucks.