Every so often, the internet reminds us that it is a horrible place. They Heard the News Today, Oh Boy seeks to combat that by collecting the worst of the worst comments from Toronto news sites and punishing them with words of our own.
We understand why you’d be confused about that, “lguy.” Fred Armisen is in fact offensive, but that is mostly because he sucks so very, very badly.
Now, the obvious takeaway from the U of T blackface scandal (such as it is) is that a bunch of college kids did something that was kind of thoughtless but not unforgivable. However, it is impossible for a certain type of person to accept this on the internet. The internet, you see, is the natural nesting ground for the Anti-Reverse-Racist: the type of guy who gets really, really offended when someone points out that something that is obviously kind of racist is in fact racist. To this sort of person, pointing out the bloody obvious is the real racism that divides our society.
Naturally, when the Globe and the Star reported on this story, those kind of people went apeshit. You could probably create a decent Bingo card out of the responses: the seemingly neverending list of “but the black guy wore ‘white’ makeup and I’m not offended!” comments, the inevitable references to Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder (which a sadly large number of people do not understand was about mocking people who don’t get that blackface is pretty much de facto offensive), and seven billion complaints about political correctness.
But that was only the tip of the iceberg! (Icebergs are white and therefore offensive! See? I am on the internet and I made a cunningly sarcastic response about colour!)
Tyler Perry Is The Real Racist!
Because There Has Never Been A Movie Ever In The Entire History Of Cinema Where There Were Four White Guys And One Black Guy
Since 19th-Century Racial Classifications Are The Only Proper Way To Refer To People’s Skin Colour, I Hope You Understand That You Should Properly Be Referred To As “Negroid”
Willy Wonka Is The Real Racist!
Because Swarthy Men Were Once Forbidden To Sit At Lunch Counters, See
As A White Person, I Am Qualified To Explain The Rules As To What Blackface Actually Is
People Who Don’t Like Blackface Are The Real Racists!
(He Writes This Comment In Every Thread. It’s Getting To Be A Real Downer In The Sports Section.)
NEWSFLASH: White Guy Not Offended By Thing That Offends Other People, Film At 11
William Shakespeare Is The Real Racist!
My Numerous Black Friends Who Really Exist For Reals And Comprise Exactly One-Quarter Of My Total Friends (Who All Also Exist) All Thought This Was Hilarious
In Fairness, The Black Students’ Association Probably Should Not Have Put Up Those Posters Saying “Nidal Hissan Is The Awesomest!”
People Who Apologize For Offending People Are The Real Racists!
Yeah, If You Can’t Fix All The Problems Of Society Then Why Don’t You Just Shut The Fuck Up?
I Totally Spend All My Time Defending The Downtrodden And Persecuted, And Let Me Tell You, White Kids Going To University Have It Worse Than Just About Anybody
People Who Make Me Feel Guilty About Whatever Privilege I Might Possess Are The Real Racists!
As A White Person, I Am Qualified To Explain The Rules As To What Blackface Actually Is, Part 2
They Probably Have A Book They’re Trying To Sell
Mounties Are The Real Racists!
Hey, You Know Who Really, Really Cared What Other People Thought About Him? Pierre Trudeau
I See What You Did There
Those Darn Kids With Their Hippity-Hop Music And Their Baggy Pants Are The Real Racists!
“How Could Something Intended To Be Funny Ever Offend Anybody, Huh?”
This Is All Bob Rae’s Fault Somehow, I Just Know It
People With Eidetic Memories Are The Real Racists!
And As Always, We Finish With A Sad Truth