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Newsstand: November 2, 2009
Like chomping through a thick skull to get at the chewy, unlife-giving braaains inside, you gotta work for the good stuff. Let’s see what you did with your weekend, Toronto. Well, for starters, it looks like somebody decided to keep candy out of the mouths of Rosie DiManno’s niece and nephew, and now she is foaming at the mouth has written one of her columns, heaping snack-size helpings of whoopass (marked not for individual resale) onto the kid-hating “money bag brigade” of Bridle Path, who wouldn’t even send one butler to hand out goodies to the kids, or her, or the Star photographer out taking pictures of the expedition. Hey, at least no one put a razor blade in there. Besides, fair’s fair, Rosie: You clearly waived your right to a treat when you agreed to the “trick-or-” part of the deal. Verbal contract.
Seriously, though, Halloween is like triple swine flu for your soul, to quote the Vatican more-or-less verbatim, so say three quick Hail-Marys and burn all the Caramilks—they’re witches!
Now that the Good Book has been shut on Halloween, the only zombie left in town is a certain not-quite-dead newspaper we may have mentioned once or twice these past few days. We thought our coverage was fairly restrained, sedate, even. Imagine our surprise upon learning that we and everyone else who thought the daily was in trouble is just a plain old Conrad-Black-bashing knee-jerk capital-L Liberal who probably hates Israel. Ahh, the Post, promise you’ll never leave us!
If by some chance the paper, which suffered a nine-million-dollar loss—sorry, a “single-digit” loss—last year, does go under, they can auction off a few of their distribution boxes to the Ontario-themed bar in Williamsburg, to put next to the jukebox full of Neil Young and Rush albums.
Anyway, maybe our kids will be better with money. For them, Ontario is rolling out a grade four financial literacy curriculum to get to the root of those “reckless personal spending habits that helped trigger the global credit crunch.” Er, not sure you’ve quite pinned down the cause of the economic collapse, there, guys. Not that teaching the next generation of Ontarians to budget responsibly is a bad idea, but…could we maybe send AIG and Goldman Sachs to these classes, too? And can our creative project be about mortgage securitization and credit default swaps? There’ll be puppets, too.
Health officials are hoping that getting more vaccination sites up and running will reduce lineups for H1N1 shots, which Ottawa admitted were in much greater demand than had been anticipated. And, when someone gets some free time, Health Canada is totally going to look into the case of the private downtown clinic whose well-heeled patients get to cut in the line for the vaccine. C’mon, now. Would Jesus have done that?