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Newsstand: November 20, 2009
Everyone needs love, even people who aren’t, in fact, people, but over-designed alien glassworks stuck to the sides of historic buildings. They need love, too. We are pretty sure of this. So we wonder whether calling the Michael Lee-Chin Crystal one of the ten ugliest buildings in the world is really necessary. For reference, here’s last year’s “winner.” Sure, the crystalline ROMniplex may have a shoddy interior, but it’s nice on the outside if you stand in the right place, plus it makes a sweet lightsaber-fight venue. Besides, obviously no one told the selection committee about Toronto’s dirty little secret at the corner of Jarvis and Dundas. Go ahead and trash the crystal, but remember, we’d still love you—even if you’d been designed by Daniel Libeskind.
Alright, now let’s figure out who’s responsible for the six-hour-long TTC stoppage that hit yesterday after work crews sawed open a tunnel on the Yonge subway line. Should be easy: It was Enbridge Gas, doing some maintenance on a buried pipeline. No, that’s wrong, according to Enbridge, who say the city asked them to do the work and approved their plan, which was inspected by a firm that keeps track of where it’s safe to dig and was carried out by another contractor. So it was them? No, that contractor says they had nothing to do with the problem and their safety record is excellent. And the city says it doesn’t remember asking for the work, and, even if they did issue a permit, the contractor should, theoretically, have been the ones checking the site beforehand. Looks like it was leprechauns. Will Toronto ever put an end to their tunnel-slicing shenanigans?
Also, we could really use some of their gold. Since we’re already on the subject of deep cuts to city services, let’s take a look at who thinks the best response to City Hall’s order to cut spending is to ignore it and ask for more money. You might think that any city department who’d play chicken with the budget committee when Toronto is in critical financial condition is either a bit crazy or a lot desperate. Well, you can go ahead and say that about the Board of Health, the police, the library, and even the zoo. And the zoo’s funding is pretty slim as it is, compared to other departments. What are they supposed to do next? Sell off the tigers, file down the giraffes, and feed the otters to the piranhas?
And what are the police going to do with that extra money? Well, it might come in handy for cracking down on drivers who obstruct bike lanes. Former Toronto Police Board Chair Alan Heisey is pushing the board to step up ticketing of cars parked in cycling lanes, and to install cameras to nab drivers abusing bus, taxi, and bike lanes. While you’re setting up those nifty gadgets, why not equip them with these experimental Canadian paralysis rays, said to cause “instant flaccidity and empurplement“? Now that would be money well spent. We’re too stunned (and purple) to say another word.
