While we here at Torontoist appreciate a bad pun as much as the next conglomerate of web writers collectively writing in the first person plural, said pun was unfortunately the high point of this weekend’s internet commentary on David Miller’s announcement that he would not run for a third term as mayor.
As usual, the comment sections of the Globe, Post, Star, and CBC were taken over by primarily conservative commenters, all of whom are either really really from Toronto, we mean it you guys, or willing to admit that they’re Albertans with nothing better to do with their time than complain about the mayor of a city in which they’d never willingly live. And, as usual, there were a lot of them.
David Miller is, according to these commenters, the greatest incompetent working in politics today. That this can be said while Rob Ford yet breathes is tragic; that Miller can actually be compared unfavourably to Mel Lastman, the greatest joke ever played on Toronto, is just kind of misery-inducing. Granted, David Miller isn’t going to go down as the greatest hero in Toronto history, to say the least, and his hair can best be described as “horrific.” But he’s not exactly Satan, either. Except if you are an internet commenter on a major Canadian news site: then and only then are you aware that David Miller is, in fact, not only the worst politician in Canadian history but also a sellout, a Communist, and possibly the big villain on this season of Supernatural. (He will fight Dean and Sam Winchester with evil demon unions.)
So If Miller Is Batman, Does That Make The TTC The Batmobile? If So, I Would Like To Request That There Be More Publicly Accessible Rocket Launchers On The Subway
Enemies Lists Are So 2007
The Pipes The Water Travels Through Are In Fact Natural Rock Formations Requiring No Maintenance Whatsoever
Note The Skillful Replacement Of Actual Humour With Cultural References, A Skill First Practiced In Meet The Spartans
Clearly, We Should Aspire To The Lofty Heights Reached By Detroit, Philadelphia and Atlanta
Well, It Sounds Like A Bad Idea, So It Must Be Great!
Fear The Power Of The Carbage Pedal Union
Also The Streetcars Will Have Identification Computers To Make Sure You Are Being Politically Correct And If You Do Not Recycle They Will Zap You With Their Liberal Laser Beams
I Thought “Sepoku” Was That Thing With The Little Numbers In The Boxes
MP3-Downloading Pirate or Somalian Pirate or What? You Got To Be Specific About These Things
The Comparison Of Denzil Minnan-Wong To Forrest Gump Was Probably Unintentional
“Loudmouthbetty” Is Not Fooled, Mr. Miller!
And Then He Was All “Yeth, My Marthter,” While Limping Off And Slobbering, And The Union Cackled Madly While Lightning Flashed Overhead, And… Scene.
Just Last Week I Was Talking With My Girlfriend In Nunavut (You Wouldn’t Know Her) And She Was All “I Hate That David Miller”
Man, Do We Have Some Bad News For This Guy
Coming Up Next Week: Torontoist’s Nine-Part Series About Potash Mining, So There
Somebody Still Isn’t Over Missing The Finale of American Idol
If Anybody Knows What This Guy’s Point Was, Please Inform A Lawyer Immediately
And Then We’ll Attack Those Dancers With Police And Dogs And Tazers And Show Them Why They Shouldn’t Block Important Traffic With Their Dancing
We’re Posting This From A Smoking Crater. At Night, The Flesh-Eating Rats Come
For Some Reason The Globe Is Getting All The Beat Poets Lately
But Only Because He Was The Bad Guy In One Of The Saw Movies
And As Always, We Finish With A Sad Truth