Televisualist: Now Admitting There Are Weekends
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Televisualist: Now Admitting There Are Weekends

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.

Monday

The Bachelorette is almost ready to conclude as Canadian Jillian Harris chooses between Ed the technology consultant and Kiptyn (no, really, that’s his name) the “business developer.” Of course, before that happens next week, ABC must air the obligatory bitch session as “the men tell all.” Amount Televisualist cares about this: was previously zero but now is about at 2% because the name “Kiptyn” is so wacky. Kiptyn. Kiptyn, Kiptyn, Kiptyn. We wonder what his real name is. Probably “Stan.” (City, 8 p.m.)
If you’re jonesing once your Bachelorette fix ends, ABC has kindly provided you with Dating in the Dark, which is exactly what it sounds like. See, the show’s concept is that looks might actually matter, so they set up people on romantic dates in pitch-dark rooms and then the pretty people might get offended when their date that they kissed in the dark isn’t a total hottie! Alternately, instead of watching this, you could stab yourself in the throat repeatedly. We bet that would be about as much fun. (City, 10 p.m.)
All this week, Space airs Torchwood: Children of Earth, the special five-part “mini-season” of the Doctor Who spinoff that aired a little while back in the U.K. Televisualist does not watch Torchwood, but fans of the show (who like Doctor Who but really wanted an alternative version with more sex with aliens) have had wildly differing views on it. So be forewarned. (Space, 10 p.m.)

Tuesday

Hell’s Kitchen returns with another season and a two-hour premiere, and by now you all know the drill: Gordon Ramsay gets bleeped a lot, there are probably two or three actual decent chefs among the sixteen contestants, and everybody else is an unforgivable idiot who likely shames their parents on a regular basis by being lazy, stupid, arrogant, or usually all three. This is why Hell’s Kitchen is such a great show: the next time you’re ashamed when you’re using your wok to make hot dog fried rice, you can watch this show and instantly feel superior. (City, 8 p.m.)
Tonight on Primetime, the story of a person who had gender reassignment surgery to become a female person. Despite being on an American TV newsmagazine, could be interesting and not at all offensive. (ABC, 10 p.m.)

Wednesday

ABC airs Over A Barrel: The Truth About Oil. Follow Charles Gibson as he travels to oil rigs and tankers to find out “the true cost” of oil and why gas prices are so high. I wish I wasn’t so cynical as to expect next to no mentions of global warming in regards to “the true cost” of oil, but it’s Charle Gibson, who is a hairpiece in search of a soul, so my cynicism is likely justified. (10 p.m.)
Hey! Last week AMC aired Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and I discussed my “Cameron is imagining Ferris Bueller” theory, and this week they air Fight Club? Somebody at AMC reads this column and wishes everybody to know it! Hooray for everything! (8 p.m.)

Thursday

Tonight on The Hour: Chris Noth provides spoilers for the next Sex and the City movie. This was our first news that there was going to be another Sex and the City movie. Is internal bleeding common in such circumstances? (Newsworld, 8 p.m.)
Sometimes you don’t notice things until they’re almost over, but tonight City airs the final episode of the first series of Law and Order: UK, which has Freema “Sexiest Woman Alive” Agyeman and Jamie “Did You Know Apollo From Battlestar Galactica Is Actually A British Guy?” Bamber. We haven’t yet seen it, but we strongly believe that Freema Agyeman makes all things better. (10 p.m.)

Friday

Waking Ned Devine came under fire when it was released on account of it being yet another a twee charming movie about plucky British people being British and plucky, much like in The Full Monty or The Englishman Who Came Up a Hill and Went Down a Mountain or Kinky Boots or The Quirky English Persons Who Did Something Unconventional in Order to Succeed at Something They Wanted and/or Needed Very Badly. But it’s funny and charming and heartfelt, and that’s what matters. (PBS, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Father, the Son and the Holy Guest Star,” wherein Liam Neeson as a priest convinces Bart and Homer to convert to Catholicism. Recent, but uncanny sharp. “Now we have to find another school for you.” “And if you get kicked out of that one, you’re going straight in the army, where you’ll be sent straight to America’s latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything’s possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

Kings, the actually quite brilliant and completely ignored NBC series, concludes Saturday night. Enjoy one last shot of Ian McShane being a badass on teevee. (8 p.m.)
Family Channel airs the original Superman, which is still great, and if you say otherwise I will cut you. Then I will bury your body in Otisville. (9 p.m.)

CORRECTION: JULY 20, 2009 The Bachelorette‘s final episode is not this week, as originally written, but next week. Torontoist regrets the error, but come on: it’s The Bachelorette.

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