Televisualist: Like A Brick To The Forehead Made Of Dating Shows
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Televisualist: Like A Brick To The Forehead Made Of Dating Shows

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Okay, so The Bachelorette actually ends this week, rather than last week. The good news is that nobody who desperately wanted to discover whom Jillian would pick has missed out! The bad news is that there are actually people who would have missed out (or felt like they had, at least) had they not seen the finale. If there is a more depressing show on television than The Bachelor and its spawn, Televisualist is not sure what it could be. (City, 8 p.m.)
Triple Sensation also concludes. Man, that seemed to go fast! (CBC, 8 p.m.)
The Wanted debuted last week and Televisualist has not seen so amateurishly made a show in quite some time. The premise (NBC reporters track down war criminals) is not bad, but the execution…oy. Our favourite part was the ex-military dude saying “people could get killed” if they fucked up while spying on the war criminal. This was in a suburb in Norway, you understand. They were hiding behind a bush and taking pictures. Needless to say, they achieved exactly nothing. This week, the team “hunts down” Mamoun Darkazanli, accused of supporting Al-Qaeda by the UN and United States. He’s in Germany. Want to know how we knew that? It’s on fucking Wikipedia. Good hunting! (NBC, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

More to Love, debuting tonight, has drawn a lot of flack for its premise, which is basically “The Bachelor for fatties.” But here’s the thing: most of the women on the show look, at worst, a little chunky. The rest are perfectly attractive non-stick-thin girls. The bachelor guy himself is three hundred pounds, yes, but also six foot five. If they’re gonna call the show More to Love, I demand as a TV-watching type person that everybody in it be almost spherical, like the people in Wall-E. That would distract me from the fact that I am watching a ripoff of The Bachelor. (Fox, 9 p.m.)
Hot Box, the Comedy Network original sketch series, is very hit and miss. Mostly this is because the writers really love their running gags. Sometimes these running gags are brilliant. Unfortunately, sometimes they are not so brilliant, and the second time you see the unfunny running gag you realize you’ll have to see it two or three more times before the end of the episode, and you know in advance you won’t laugh. (Comedy Network, 10 p.m.)

Wednesday

The Alamo is hilariously bad. Billy Bob Thornton is Davy Crockett! Dennis Quaid is Sam Houston! Jason Patric is James Bowie, inventor of the Bowie knife! The editing is so bad that people die and then are seen charging the enemy seconds later. Santa Ana (who, you know, killed everybody at the Alamo) is played as a cartoonish oaf so it makes the theoretical good guys look even dumber when he has them all shot. Oh, right, SPOILERS: the white guys all get shot. (Peachtree, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Front,” where Bart and Lisa ghostwrite “Itchy and Scratchy” episodes for Grandpa, while Homer tries to graduate high school all over again. “Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot.” (Fox, 11 p.m.)

Thursday

Rerun of 30 Rock: the classic “Fireworks” episode, where Jack really, really loves him some fireworks and Tracy Jordan imagines himself to be a descendant of Thomas Jefferson, who as we all know invented America. (City, 8 p.m.)
South Park: Bigger Longer and Uncut hasn’t aged at all. It turns out that Cartman getting zapped for saying bad swears is still funny a decade later! Whodathunk. (Teletoon, 9:30 p.m.)

Friday

Every so often a new episode of What Not To Wear comes on, and it is prudent to watch an episode every now and then so one can be sure that Stacy and Clinton are the worst people to ever walk the Earth. Stacy and Clinton kill your soul and they giggle while they do it. (TLC, 9 p.m.)
If you’re a big literary/language nerd, you may have already seen Wordplay, the 2006 documentary about crossword puzzles, design, competitions, and Will “Puzzle Master” Shortz. If you haven’t, it’s a brilliant little documentary about…well, doing crosswords. But don’t you love crosswords? Of course you do. Unless you’re one of those people who likes doing word searches instead, in which case Televisualist must sadly inform you that the Rock is not in this movie. (Bravo, 9 p.m.)

The Weekend

NBC’s latest entrant in the neverending “What Is The Shittiest Reality TV Show Imaginable” contest is Face the Ace, which is kind of like Pros vs. Joes except for poker. Yes, guys like Phil Ivey and Chris Ferguson are now such big shots that they can be the “stars” of a reality teevee show where they beat up on nobodies using the power of luck strategy and stuff. (NBC, 9 p.m. Saturday)
Entourage‘s sixth season seems to be the long-awaited “grow the hell up already” season: Turtle is trying to get a career, Eric is trying to make his career blossom, and Vince is realizing that, although empty meaningless sex is fun and all, he doesn’t have anybody who always wants to stay the night. Drama is of course still an idiot, but come on, not everybody can learn from their numerous mistakes. (HBO Canada, 10:30 p.m.)

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