Televisualist: Not The Poochie of Torontoist
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Televisualist: Not The Poochie of Torontoist

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

To pay tribute to Michael Jackson, Fox re-airs the “Michael Jackson episode” of American Idol from earlier this year. I know that if I were a famous singer and I died tragically, nothing would soothe my departed soul quite so much as having Adam Lambert, Kris Allen, and eleven mediocre-to-really-bad singers doing cheap karaoke renditions of the songs I had made famous. (8 p.m.)
Jon and Kate Plus 8‘s ninety-ninth episode is entitled “The First Ten Years,” and was supposed to be a retrospective of their first decade of marriage. Unfortunately, it turns out Kate is a spoiled, selfish bitch, Jon is a wimpy, neurotic cheat, and neither of them gives a good goddamn about their kids no matter how many times they claim their reason for continuing to do this reality show, even after they get divorced, is “for the kids.” Wait, should Televisualist have included a spoiler warning there? Our bad! (TLC, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

Ghostbusters! You know, Televisualist was playing the new Ghostbusters video game this week (which features the voices of Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, and the rest of the Ghostbusting crew) and it’s pretty good. “What does this have to do with the movie, per se,” you ask, and the answer is not that much, but frankly, it’s Ghostbusters and nothing about Ghostbusters is not awesome. Except maybe for the sequel. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Itchy And Scratchy and Poochie Show,” which introduced “Poochie” to our lexicon as shorthand for “annoying crappy element of something otherwise enjoyable, forced upon you by its creators because they thought it was awesome.” For example: John Travolta in Hairspray is a Poochie. “Last night’s Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)

Wednesday

The Comedy Network runs a marathon of Corner Gas to celebrate Canada Day, because it’s our one internationally successful show that’s light enough fare that it doesn’t feel oppressive to air it on the country’s birthday. Televisualist is just saying: there’s not gonna be a Canada Day marathon of Da Vinci’s Inquest anytime soon. (all day)
“Rita MacNeil presents Men of the Deeps.” At some point, it became impossible to make jokes about Rita MacNeil’s endlessly repetitive specials. The folk standards! The perky, non-funny jokes and banter, creating a weird Maritimes-meets-Las-Vegas vibe! And, of course, the endless barrage of barely famous guests. Of course, I’m pretty sure MacNeil has never gone quite so far as to “present” a bunch of singing coal miners before (and as choral groups go, let’s just say it’s a good thing they’ve got a gimmick). But who knows: maybe next year she’ll find some singing tuna fishermen or something. (CTV, 10 p.m.)
CBC covers the Canada Day party in Ottawa. It’s like going to a Canada Day party, except you can do it in the privacy of your own home! Like a shut-in! (9 p.m.)

Thursday

CBC’s Doc Zone re-airs The Wild Horse Redemption, which is about a Colorado rehabilitation program where criminals are taught to become horse trainers, using real unbroken broncos and everything. It’s a couple of years old, but it’s a really fascinating story and worth a watch. (8 p.m.)
Restaurant Makeover sucks” alert: tonight you can catch the infamous “Dooney’s” episode, wherein the host and design staff congratulate each other rampantly on a redesign of the legendary Toronto cafe that, if not put out of business altogether by Restaurant Makeover, is widely considered to have at least been done serious harm by the show. (Food Network, 8 p.m.)

Friday

Cowboys is City’s new reality show about the staff of the notorious Cowboys nightclub in Calgary, which is kind of like the Canadian version of Coyote Ugly. Except instead of Maria Bello, Tyra Banks, and Bridget Moynahan, you get a bunch of girls who really wish they were famous and who like to make catty, mean comments about each other. The show is singularly charmless, and Televisualist would sooner watch John Goodman stripping as he did in Coyote Ugly for a full hour than watch another episode. Luckily, it appears this one is a one-off. (9 p.m.)
“It’s nodda tumah!” Kindergarten Cop. It’s a guilty pleasure, okay? Sometimes you just need to see little children learning that only Germanic order can bring harmony to their lives. Salute the teacher, little children! Salute! (Bravo!, 8:30 p.m.)

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