Televisualist: Richard, Fox, and Simon Pegg Rocks
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Televisualist: Richard, Fox, and Simon Pegg Rocks

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

A special two-hour episode of Medium. Really, NBC? Televisualist can’t blame you, to be honest, because if there is one thing we know by now it is that Middle America fucking adores shows where people talk to ghosts. Isn’t talking to ghosts technically witchcraft? Doesn’t the target audience for this show traditionally shun that? This is the sort of thing we think about when we see a listing for a special two-hour episode of Medium. Well, that and Patricia Arquette’s terrible haircut. (NBC, 9 p.m.)
Star Trek: Generations, AKA “the one where Kirk and Picard team up.” It’s kind of crappy. Data gets emotions, Malcolm Macdowell sleepwalks through the bad guy role, there’s a couple of really underwhelming space battles…it feels like a second-rate “special” episode of TNG. Like most of the Next Generation movies, really. Hey, do you know that the new Star Trek movie has jetpacks in it? For reals! Jetpacks! (Space, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

Penultimate episode of The Biggest Loser. Okay, Televisualist has a question: they’re down to four contestants, and the point of this show is to lose the most weight, right? But on the semifinal episode, they auto-pass two people based on weight, but then give the viewing audience the chance to vote to see who gets the final third-place slot. How does that even make sense? The entire point of the show is “you lose weight to win,” and now they’re giving the audience the chance to make moral judgements on the contestants? Does that make any sense at all to anybody? Because Televisualist is trying to figure out exactly why that gives us bad vibes. Then again, it is the horrible show about competitive weight loss, so maybe they are just surplus bad vibes. (E!, 8 p.m.)
Star Trek: First Contact, which is the one with the Borg and is therefore the only good Next Generation movie because it has things going foom and Alice Krige being creepy and Alfre Woodard and James Cromwell being awesome supporting cast. Of course, being the best Next Generation movie is about equivalent to fourth-best original series movie, but you take what you can get. Of course, it’s probably going to look really lame compared to the new Star Trek movie. I mean, LeVar Burton is good at teaching young kids to read and all, but he’s no Shaun of the Dead in Space, if you get where we’re going with this. (Space, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

Series finale of Scrubs. Or possibly not. The fickle winds blowing through the network canyons have switched direction and apparently now everybody is totally excited about the possibility of a ninth season of Scrubs, possibly without Zach Braff, Donald Faison, Neil Flynn, or John C. McGinley. Not that this most recent season of Scrubs hasn’t been excellent; it’s been a creative resurgence on an impressive scale. But Bob Kelso can’t carry this show on his own. (City, 8 p.m.)
This week’s Lost focuses on Richard Alpert, and you have to imagine that Lost fans are all “now this is the episode where finally everything about the show starts to make sense!” Which of course it won’t, but maybe it’ll explain one or two questions, at least. Televisualist would settle for the show explaining how Richard comes by all that eyeliner whilst on a remote jungle island. (CTV, 9 p.m.)
Star Trek: Insurrection. Wherein the Enterprise must save magical space hippies from evil plastic surgeons. Also, Worf gets Klingon zits and Riker shaves his beard. Who thought it was a good idea for Riker to shave his beard? Riker without his beard is like Samson without his long hair. And come to think, in both cases, a woman made them do it. However, the only woman in the new Star Trek is Uhura, and Uhura isn’t going to do any shaving or cutting of men’s hair at all. Because that’s not how she rolls. (Space, 8 p.m.)

Thursday

A news special about Michael J. Fox and his battle with Parkinson’s disease? Has the potential to be really interesting. Televisualist will admit a small bit of shame, however, in that we have a disturbing interest in seeing how wobbly Fox is during the interview segments, though—if he’ll be “able to act in TV movies” slightly wobbly, or full-on flailing wobbly. Yes, we’re horrible people. (A-Channel, 10 p.m.)
Star Trek: Nemesis. Where a Romulan clone of Picard takes over the Romulans and sends a giant Romulan starship to crash into Earth, so Picard teleports to his ship to fight him one-on-one because that makes heaps of sense. Balls-out stupid. But the new Star Trek movie is only one day away and it will have lasers and a baddie who shoots at the good guys with black holes and an Enterprise that looks like a giant iPod and Harold (but not Kumar) and Bruce Greenwood as Christopher fricking Pike. So it all balances out, in the end. (Space, 8 p.m.)

Friday

Probably the last ever episode of Dollhouse that will ever air is on tonight! But you’re going to go watch Star Trek, aren’t you? I mean, why would you want to stay at home and watch Joss Whedon’s crappy rape-fantasy-as-adventure serial? (Global, 9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Radioactive Man.” One of the greatest episodes ever. “Ze goggles! Zey do nuzzing!” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)

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