Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
MondayThe Big Bang Theory concludes its second season tonight as Leonard and the nerds plan a work trip to the North Pole and Penny has doubts. Also, Sheldon will be an enormous Aspergin’-like-fuck asshole, because this show’s writers have no concept of “pushing the gag too far.” Seriously, at this point you have to wonder why anybody even talks to Sheldon, much less tries to be friends with him. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
House also concludes, although really this season has been kind of spinning its wheels ever since Kuttner committed suicide so Kal Penn could go work for Barack Obama. Although Carl Reiner is a guest star tonight, so hopefully this episode will be more entertaining than usual. (Fox, 8 p.m.)
TuesdayFinal episode of The Biggest Loser. Three whole frigging hours of Biggest Loser. There are no words. (E!, 8 p.m.)
Deadliest Warrior has rapidly become the most entertainingly dorky hour of television around, thanks to the incredibly silly concept of “who would win a fight: historical warrior A or historical warrior B?” Tonight’s episode: “Green Beret v. Spetznatz.” Given that it’s an American show, we think the smart money is on the Green Beret. You know, like how when they made King Kong v. Godzilla, King Kong won in the American ending, but Godzilla won in the Japanese ending. (Spike, 10 p.m.)
WednesdayBones wraps up its season after one of the dumbest episodes of all time last week, as Booth hallucinated a conversation with Stewie from Family Guy because of a suddenly discovered brain tumour. (No. Really.) However, the network is teasing that this finale will actually progress the relationship between Brennan and Booth beyond the Moonlighting-esque flirtation in which it has been stuck for four seasons. (Global, 9 p.m.)
America’s Next Top Model finishes its twelfth (!) season. As stated before, Televisualist does not actually watch this show, but knows many of you do, and maybe you would like a reminder.
Lost finishes as well, with a two-hour season finale that is preceded by yet another recap special. Presumably this episode will answer many unanswered questions! Or possibly not. Probably not. Okay, definitely not. (A-Channel, 9 p.m.)
ThursdaySurvivor heads into the endgame with its traditional penultimate episode. Five survivors remain! Confusingly, one of them is “Coach,” who is now definitely the biggest douchebag in all eighteen seasons of Survivor by a wide margin (beating out a number of racists, flakes, shitheads, and the truly noxious Johnny Fairplay). Heading into the final five, the solid gameplay of the mini-alliance of nerd Stephen, hick J.T., and former-member-of-SWV Taj have dominated the game, mostly because the larger tribe they merged into was completely divided and this gave them the chance to play both sides against the middle with great ease. Barring a horrible sort of miracle, Coach will be eliminated, leaving just-kind-of-there Erinn as the final fourth. However, Survivor is well known for the best-laid plans going awry. (Global, 8 p.m.)
Hell’s Kitchen concludes with a final culinary battle between entertainingly competent Paula and Danny, most notable for his gigantic Lynyrd Skynyrd–quality mullet. If you missed out, don’t worry, folks: a new season starts in another two months! (Fox, 9 p.m.)
Lots of shows wrapping up tonight: Smallville (Clark fights Doomsday), Supernatural (Dean must kill Sam to prevent the Apocalypse), The Office (Michael and Holly reunite at the company picnic), 30 Rock (funny shit of some kind happens), and Grey’s Anatomy (I don’t care and you can’t make me care).
FridayTwo hours of America’s Funniest Home Videos? Yeah, it’s summer. (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Future-Drama.” A late entry in the “see possible future” subgenre of Simpsons episodes, which we mention only as a contrast to the better entries. Although Bender does show up to make a cameo! (CFMT, 10 p.m.)