Televisualist: Idol, Dance, and Bauer Rants
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Televisualist: Idol, Dance, and Bauer Rants

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.


Because Global aired the Survivor finale last night (on a related note: fuck you, Coach), tonight you can watch the Simpsons and Family Guy season finales if you didn’t catch them last night! It’s just like when you go to the supermarket, and the day-old bread is just waiting there for you, with the big “priced to clear” sticker on it. Except that watching these shows a day late will not give you food poisoning. Well, probably not. (10 p.m.)
Speaking of Survivor, TVTropolis programmed a mini-marathon of the entire first season, retroactively named Survivor: Borneo. Relive the glory days of mid-2000 with Richard Hatch’s casual nudity, Rudy’s casual bigotry, the colossal stupidity of Dr. Sean’s “alphabetical voting” strategy (and also his experiments with fishing with a small log he called “the Superpole”), and the general cluelessness of people who had not yet realized the key to winning the show was to cultivate an alliance with other people and vote strategically. Simple times, my friends. Simple times. (starting at 2 p.m.)
24 ends its season with Jack Bauer being taken hostage by terrorists! Because that’s new and exciting. (Global, 8 p.m.)


With Dead Wife Gokey’s elimination this week, American Idol boils down to Adam “Is He Gay Or Isn’t He” Lambert and Kris “Definitely Not Gay, And You’re Down With That, Right, America” Allen. Televisualist made it through this year barely watching Idol at all, but we understand people love Adam Lambert because he is “theatrical,” and nobody told us whether the love for over-the-top Adam is honestly because he’s a crazy man-diva or if it’s just an ironic thing or what. We suspect it’s a mix. Anyway, final competition episode is tonight. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
Fox debuts Glee, a new hour-long comedy about a high-school glee club from the creators of the soulless and cold Nip/Tuck. In an interesting twist, they have opted not to have everyone in this show be horrible soulless people who are unworthy of possessing organs. The show looks clever and heartfelt, and the talent (including Kevin McHale and especially Jane Lynch, who can be funny reading the phonebook) is high-quality. Worth at least one view. (9 p.m.)
How wrong is it that I saw that the finale for NCIS was titled “Aliyah” and wondered what the dead R&B singer had to do with it? Answer: pretty wrong, but at least I didn’t make a joke about necrophilia! Oh wait I just did I guess. (Global, 8 p.m.)


Find out who the next discount-CD-bin dweller…excuse us, American Idol is! Tonight! Hooray! Hey, did you know Clay Aiken was on 30 Rock last week and they actually had him making jokes about how his career was a joke now? And he’s one of the relative success stories. We’re pretty sure Jasmine Trias is a stripper these days. Don’t even get us started on Justin Guarini. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
You are probably aware that Daniel Craig is quite awesome as the new James Bond, so maybe you’ll want to watch Casino Royale tonight. Or maybe not, because come on, you know network TV will cut out all the really violent bits. Beware! (Global, 8 p.m.)


So You Think You Can Dance returns for its fifth American season, with the bar having been raised firstly by the excellent Canadian edition and then secondly by the second season of the Australian edition, which in terms of quality was the best season of any SYTYCD anywhere thus far, period. But the producers always have a few aces up their sleeves, the talent well is a long way from being drained (a lot of last season’s top twenty rejects were pretty damn impressive), and this is still the best talent show on television bar none, so sit back and enjoy the ride. Also, Cat Deeley is pretty, and so cool that it almost seems unfair that she is also so pretty. But we can deal with it. (CTV, 8 p.m.)
Ugly Betty wraps up its season, and we have to be honest: we watch Ugly Betty in a big chunk over each summer, so we have no idea what’s happened this year. If there are shark attacks at any point, don’t tell us. We want to be surprised. (City, 8 p.m.)


The Gift is a fascinating creepy movie starring Cate Blanchett as a psychic and Keanu Reeves as her abusive husband, and get this: Keanu is actually really, really good in this movie! Like, he’s creepy in all the right ways, and scary, and imposing, and seems completely genuine. It’s downright weird how good he is. Which just lends credence to our “Keanu Reeves is actually twins” theory! (W, 9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Scenes From The Class Struggle In Springfield,” wherein Marge and Homer become popular at the local country club. Some classic lines in this one, one of the less infamous episodes, mostly because it’s fairly grounded as Simpsons episodes go. “Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding, ‘you’re making a scene.'” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)