Televisualist: Christians, Psych, and Phrase Dislike
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Televisualist: Christians, Psych, and Phrase Dislike

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.


The Bachelorette premieres! It’s like The Bachelor, except less misogynistic! (Fun fact: out of thirteen Bachelors and four Bachelorettes, exactly one has gotten married to their winning choice.) This time around, the Bachelorette is Jillian Harris, who was rejected by Jason Mesnick, the guy who rather famously also changed his mind about his final choice in the most recent Bachelor. But Jillian isn’t that girl, she’s just another girl he didn’t like. So why should you care? Because she’s the first Canadian Bachelorette! Hooray! (City, 8 p.m.)
Hip 2B Holy is a documentary special by Global’s national anchor Kevin Newman about the growing evangelical Christian movement in Canada and how it differs from the American evangelical movement (for example, publicly giving up on abortion and same-sex marriage as fights they’ve more or less permanently lost while still privately wishing they lived back in olden days). Newman has stressed the need to examine the evangelic movement for “what it is, not what secular Canada assumes it is.” Of course, Global’s news division is perhaps the most toothless in the country, so “what it is” may well end up being “what they say they are.” If that follows. (Global, 10 p.m.)


We’re into summer series season now. Fox brings us Mental, a show about a “radically unorthodox” psychiatrist who uses strange and wacky treatments to cure his patients. It’s good to know that House is so well-established that they now feel comfortable blatantly cloning it. (Global, 8 p.m.)
Canada’s Next Top Model premieres. Presumably there will be models. And modelling. And that sort of thing. Look, Televisualist has been very candid about not watching America’s Next Top Model, so we’re not going to pretend we watch its rinky-dink little brother either. How rinky-dink is it? The head judge is one of the underlings from ANTM. That, my friends, is pretty damn rinky and also fairly dink. (City, 8 p.m.)
TV’s 50 Funniest Phrases. Remember all the catchphrases you got sick of years ago? Now we can relive them all! (NBC, 8 p.m.)


The Goode Family is Mike Judge’s new sitcom, a sort of reverse–King of the Hill, depicting a stereotypical California liberal family rather than a stereotypical Texas conservative family. Of course, King of the Hill far surpassed the stereotypes and created fully realized characters, so one can hope The Goode Family reaches the same standard. (City, 9 p.m.)
The return of Wipeout! Yes, if you wanted to see out-of-shape people making asses of themselves on a killer obstacle course for an amount of money best described as “a fucking pittance,” then you are set. This show makes American Gladiators look like Masterpiece Theatre. (Global, 8 p.m.)
E!, in a desperate attempt to seem timely, has begun airing Psych, the entertaining comedy/procedural about a guy who pretends to be a psychic detective. “But wait,” you say, “in America, the fourth season doesn’t debut until July! How did E! manage this coup?” And the answer is that they didn’t and instead are airing last summer’s season and are hoping nobody notices. Are we supposed to be surprised that this channel is floundering? They program worse than Fox. On the bright side, tonight’s episode was where Rachel Leigh Cook first appeared on the show as a semi-recurring character, and Rachel Leigh Cook is cute. (8 p.m.)


The finals of the 2009 Scripps National Spelling Bee are in prime time now? That’s kind of awesome. (ABC, 8 p.m.)
The Adventures of Pluto Nash is one of the worst movies of the last decade, even on the fast-declining Eddie Murphy Makes A Shitburger Scale. It’s almost worth watching just to stare at it, kind of like how when you’re on the highway you want to slow down to get a longer look at an accident or some particularly gross piece of roadkill. Hey, remember that Eddie Murphy used to be one of the truly great comic actors of our time? What happened there? (Space, 9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “A Fish Called Selma,” wherein Troy McClure marries Selma so he can appear normal. Includes the brilliant “Planet of the Apes musical” sequence. “You’ve finally made a monkey out of meeeeeeeeeee!” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)


ABC airs Un-Broke: What You Need To Know About Money. It’s supposedly a fun/educational look at everyday finance for people who don’t know anything about finance. I can’t really do more than quote their own press release to make my point: “Hosted by ‘Good Morning America’ contributor and President of Ariel Investments Mellody Hobson, the special features Will Smith, Samuel L. Jackson, the Jonas Brothers, Christian Slater, Cedric the Entertainer, Seth Green, Sesame Workshop’s Oscar the Grouch, Rosario Dawson, and the E*Trade Babies, among others.” No, really. They’re serious. (9 p.m.)
Allan Gregg In Conversation With… well, this week it’s Sir Lawrence Freedman, internationally acclaimed war historian and foreign policy analyst. Say what you will about Allan Gregg, but his guests definitely tend to be non-fluffy. (TVO, 10 p.m.)