Televisualist: Sophie, Sanz, and Not Toucans
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Televisualist: Sophie, Sanz, and Not Toucans

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Sophie has been picked up by ABC Family in the States, and…well, we just wanted to give big ups to the Sophie cast and crew, because it’s a consistently entertaining show that is unremarkable in the sort of way that never makes for a good chance to bring it up in this column. Although it is galling that the American advertising for it is “a new ABC Family original series.” Pull the other one, ABC Family! (CBC, 8:30 p.m. and now ABC Family in the USA, 9:30 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homer and Apu,” wherein Homer gets Apu fired from the Kwik-E-Mart, which in turn prompts a trip to India. Featuring “Who Needs the Kwik-E-Mart,” probably the best song sequence in Simpsons history. “When I first arrived you were all such jerks / but now I’ve come to love your quirks / Maggie with her eyes so bright / Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright / Lisa can philosophize / Bart’s adept at spinning lies / Homer’s a delightful fella / sorry about the salmonella!” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)

Tuesday

That President Obama guy has a prime-time news conference, which used to be more common until this guy, George somebody, came along and mostly got rid of them. However, now that the president of the United States can actually answer a question in a way that is not definitively embarrassing, presumably we will see more of these. (major American networks, 8 p.m.)
True story: I knew somebody who thought the third Underworld movie was subtitled Rise of the Toucans (as opposed to “Lycans”) and wondered what toucans had to do with vampires. Okay, it was my mom. Anyway, the original Underworld is on tonight, although it is sadly 100% toucan-free. (Peachtree, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

Survivor airs at a special time this week, on Wednesday instead of Thursday, and it’s a special clip show filled with special “never-before-seen footage” which is mostly the stuff that wasn’t good enough to make it to a standard episode of Survivor. We like Survivor well enough, but come on—at least three to five minutes of every episode is footage of people lying around being bored and hungry. And this is the footage (sorry, special footage) that wasn’t as entertaining as that. In other words, unless you have a sexual fetish for one of this season’s contestants, pass. And if you have a sexual fetish for Jeff Probst, you should just get help. (Global, 8 p.m.)
“Future’s End” is the episode of Star Trek: Voyager that had Ed Begley Jr. in it. Normally Voyager sucks eggs, but come on: Ed Begley Jr. is kind of great, in a very weird dorky sort of way. (Space, 8 p.m.)

Thursday

ABC premieres In The Motherhood tonight, which is about plumbing. No, just kidding! It’s about “the importance of family and friends while trying to juggle motherhood, work and love lives in an overly complicated modern world.” So that’s strike one against it right there. Strike two is that this show is based on real mothers’ anecdotes that they email into the show, and the performances will never be funnier than just having the moms sit on camera and tell the stories. Sure, it has Megan Mullally from Will and Grace, but…strikes three through twenty-eight would be the presence of Horatio Sanz in the cast. Horatio fucking Sanz. Christ, first Jimmy Fallon comes back to my television and now Sanz? If Chris Kattan gets a sitcom next, we are going to have to go on a shooting spree. (City, 8 p.m.)
COMICS NERD ALERT: This week’s episode of “Smallville” features Zatanna. No word if she will be wearing fishnet stockings or not as of yet. We figure the odds are 50/50. No, wait, this show is written by nerds. Let’s just say it’s very, very likely then. (SunTV, 8 p.m.)

Friday

TVO debuts Anita and Me, an original film based on the novel of the same name by Meera Syal, which is kind of like Bend It Like Beckham minus the parts about soccer. Also Lynn Redgrave is in it, and Lynn Redgrave is awesome sauce. (9 p.m.)
OH MY GOD Teletoon has done the most terrific thing they have ever done! They are airing the live-action Captain America movie! The one that went direct-to-video! The one where the Red Skull sounds kind of like an Italian guy! The one where Captain America, who is supposed to represent the pinnacle of human evolution, frequently runs out of breath! This is exactly the sort of movie where you should get drunk or stoned or both and sit down with friends to stare in awe and giggle. Thank you, Teletoon! (9:30 p.m.)

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