Pavel, Buried
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Pavel, Buried

Photo of Pavel’s Facebook profile picture on an iPhone’s screen by David Topping.

For a guy whose self-given nickname has the word “lover” right in it, Pavel the Lover is a pretty piss-poor courter.
A proud disciple of Dimitri the Lover (a man with a decidedly unsexy past himself), Pavel’s prone to pestering young women and handing them business cards asking if they want to “swing on a star.” And in the new year, he’s trying out a new tactic to woo the opposite sex: showing photos of his penis to them on the subway.
That’s what happened to Jocelyn, a 23-year-old University of Toronto drama grad (whose last name we’ve left out at her request and whose honesty we can vouch for). Two Wednesdays ago, Pavel approached Jocelyn on a Bloor-line subway car headed east towards Bloor-Yonge Station, motioning to her to take her headphones off, saying hello, and passing over a business card that read “Pavel the Lover” on one side and “Being a good girl is not enough” on the other (no phone number this time, but the card still featured a list of accomplishments that included studying under Dimitri). The second Jocelyn figured out what was going on, she told Torontoist, “I was like, ‘ah shit.'”
“You’re really elegant,” Pavel told her. “Call me when you get the courage.”
“I’ll never have the courage,” Jocelyn replied. Pavel asked if she was single, and Jocelyn replied that she was—but “just not interested” in him.
“You should consider calling me,” Pavel persisted.
“Your card is ugly,” Jocelyn told him. “No,” he replied.
Catching the Dimitri reference on Pavel’s card, Jocelyn turned her attention to Pavel’s tutor. “I’ve heard his stuff on the internet,” she said. “It makes him sound insane.” Pavel, Jocelyn says, “didn’t know what to do with that”; he didn’t have a reply (not even a “no”!). “So, basically,” she offered as a presumed final shot at Pavel, “you have nothing to offer society.”
Pavel backed away, and Jocelyn anxiously put her headphones back on. But, as the train got nearer and nearer to Yonge, Pavel took out his iPhone, “started tapping away”—with Jocelyn “thinking ‘what the fuck is going on?'”—then tapped her on her shoulder and proudly displayed a photo of his penis on the phone’s screen.
Jocelyn, understandably disgusted, quickly and decisively told Pavel to get away from her. But, amazingly, Pavel seemed even more shell-shocked by Jocelyn’s reaction than she was by his penis. “But,” he spluttered, “you asked what I had to offer society…”
As the train arrived at the station and Pavel, neutered, returned to his seat, Jocelyn hurried off the subway and away from him. Pavel—slightly cross-eyed, totally creepy, and the proprietor of what Jocelyn “would optimistically describe” as a “three-quarter-inch penis”—would have to wait for another day to show the world all he had to offer.