Televisualist: Swayze, Cox, and Ed Still Rocks
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Televisualist: Swayze, Cox, and Ed Still Rocks

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Superstars of Dance, NBC’s attempt to create what essentially amounts to an international version of So You Think You Can Dance, debuted last night and let us just say that Canada got goddamn rooked. Seriously, Argentina gets a slot and we don’t? Yes, yes, they invented the tango, big deal, that was over a hundred years ago, and all they’ve done since is slaughter cows and pretend Eva Peron was important rather than a figurehead. That’s right, Argentina! Canada is calling you out! (8 p.m.)
Oh, Christ, The Bachelor again? Please, single women between the ages of 28 and 45: I am begging you, find a different show to watch. Please. I don’t care if this time around the Bachelor is the pleasantly loserish single dad who bombed on the last Bachelorette (aside: why don’t they call that show The Spinster?). It’s still going to be the same annoying blend of romance-novel aesthetics and misogyny that makes me hate television and want to go out in the street and scream at God. You don’t want that! Not if I live near you, anyway. (City, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

What appears to be the final season of Scrubs kicks off tonight with back-to-back episodes as Courtney Cox guest-stars as Sacred Heart’s new chief of medicine. Over/under on number of episodes before she gets fired: let’s say two, counting tonight’s two episodes as one single fatty-episode. Sadly, Courtney Cox is not playing a relative of John McGinley’s Dr. Cox. That would have been totally meta! (City, 8 p.m.)
The two-hour debut of The Biggest Loser: Couples 2. This show never goes on hiatus. Ever. Future generations will come up with new methods of marking down time based on when The Biggest Loser began airing. Seriously, NBC, you guys need to bring it down a notch, will ya? We only have so many Biggest Loser jokes handy and we’re rapidly approaching Peak Joke! (8 p.m.)

Wednesday

The 35th annual People’s Choice Awards! You know, at least the PeepChos don’t pretend to be about anything other than naked Hollywood fame-whoring. Well, actually, they technically do pretend that, but nobody is fooled, so it is exactly the same thing. (E!, 9 p.m.)
Patrick Swayze sits down for a one-hour special interview with Barbara Walters to talk about his pancreatic cancer. When news broke about Swayze’s cancer, I offended a great many people by making a Roadhouse reference. The moral of the story: I clearly should have gone with To Wong Foo, Thanks For The Chemotherapy, Julie Newmar. (ABC, 10 p.m.)

Thursday

“How much worse can it get than finishing dinner, having him reach over, pull a hair out of my head and start flossing with it at the table?” “I asked where she was when Kennedy was shot, she said, ‘Ted Kennedy was shot?'” “I’m so glad I never got involved with you. I just would have ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at 3:00 in the morning and go clean your andirons, and you don’t even have a fireplace, not that I would know this.” “Humpin’ and pumpin’ is not Sheldon’s strong suit. It’s the name. ‘Do it to me, Sheldon, you’re an animal, Sheldon, ride me, big Shel-don.’ Doesn’t work. “When Harry Met Sally? Oh yes. (Vision, 9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Mr. Lisa Goes To Washington,” with the essay contest and the White House tour and Lisa going to the Jefferson Memorial. “I know your problem: the Lincoln Memorial was too crowded. No one ever comes to see me. Frankly, I don’t blame them. I didn’t do anything important. Just the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase… the dumbwaiter!” (CFMT, 7:30 p.m.)

Friday

Howie Do It, Howie Mandel’s unscripted practical joke show – wherein he has multiple disguises, but always that stupid soul patch – is the latest crime perpetrated on the people of Earth thanks to middle America thinking that Howie Mandel is funny. Extra shame points: the theme song for the show? It’s “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan, which previously had been rightfully condemned to the ash-heap of history. Hey, you know that episode of Entourage where Pauly Shore had a prank show called Gotcha? Imagine if the theme song for that show had been sung by Kris Kross and if it were for real. That chill you felt running down your back is merely proof that you are still sane. (Global, 8 p.m.)
I’m not sure why CMT decided to start airing Ed, but it was a fun little dramedy back in the day and it’s always good to see that Tom Cavanagh is getting some residual cheques, so if you haven’t seen it, catch the pilot tonight. (9 p.m.)

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