Televisualist: Survivor, Shrek, And Christmas Dreck
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Televisualist: Survivor, Shrek, And Christmas Dreck

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Tonight’s Chuck: “Chuck Versus the DeLorean.” Over/under on Back to the Future references: twenty-two. (City, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bart’s Comet,” wherein a comet will blow up Springfield. A classic. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: democracy simply doesn’t work.” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

If you’re looking for a good reason to hate Christmas specials, there is always The Legend of Frosty the Snowman, which has nothing to do with the actual good Frosty special you remember from when you were a kid besides having Frosty in it. Really, if the words “narrated by Burt Reynolds” are not enough to drive you away… (CBC, 8 p.m.)
It’s two brand new episodes of According to Jim!. In these episodes, we step into an alternate world where it was John Belushi who lived and Jim Belushi who died of a massive drug overdose. Then, by the end, we realize that this new, better world is a dream, never to be experienced again. Existential tragedy, only on CityTV! Okay, none of that happens, but don’t you wish it would? (9 p.m.)
It is horrific to think that crap you hated years and years ago is now “classic,” but apparently Shrek, stupid old Mike Myers with his stupid Scottish accent and stupid Eddie Murphy as the stupid donkey Shrek, is a “classic.” At least according to CTV. (8 p.m.)

Wednesday

The Santa Clause. See previous comment about crap becoming “classic,” mix with comment about good reasons to hate Christmas specials, let stew for two hours, and serve. Will satisfy six to eight people with no taste whatsoever and absolutely nobody else. (CBC, 8 p.m.)
Little Spirit: Christmas in New York is a brand-new Christmas special with the voices of Danny DeVito and Lucy Liu. Do you think, fifty years from now, people will regard Danny DeVito and Lucy Liu to be as timeless and classic as Jimmy Durante or Burl Ives? Nah, me neither. (NBC, 8 p.m.)

Thursday

It is the penultimate episode of the current season of Survivor, with the final two-hour episode happening as per usual on Saturday. This season has been one of those where good gameplay has at least partially been blindsided by pure luck, as the game has developed Kenny, the professional video-game player, into a dominant position based mostly on a very lucky last-second tribe swap before the usual merge and beginning of individual elimination. However, Bob, the grizzled-looking, friendly physics teacher, has been playing for all he is worth, making brilliantly convincing fake immunity idols and trying to leverage a nearly nonexistent position for all the advantage he can muster. The final stretch of this show is always the best part. (Global, 8 p.m.)
30 Rock‘s episode title tonight is simply “Christmas Special.” That should fill us with dread, but because it is 30 Rock, instead we feel strange, desperate hope! (City, 8:30 p.m.)

Friday

Famed Celtic-AAR band the Rankin Family reunites for a “Rankin Family Reunion,” performing at the Masonic Temple. You know what they say about family reunions: it’s not a real family reunion until people find out two cousins have been fucking in secret! (CTV, 8 p.m.)
Charlie’s Angel: Full Throttle is the sequel to the quite bad Charlie’s Angels, wherein the Angels fight Demi Moore, who is an evil former Angel with the good sense to use guns. Somehow, their kung fu powers beat the person with guns. This is a deeply stupid movie. (MuchMusic, 9 p.m.)

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