Televisualist: New Year's Day, and Bromance? Gay
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Televisualist: New Year’s Day, and Bromance? Gay

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Worthless reality TV “personality” Brody Jenner makes his umpteenth crappy reality show appearance, but this time in a central starring role! No more “guest star on The Hills” status for Brody! He is now the host of Bromance, premiering tonight. Bromance is a show structured much like The Bachelor, except instead of girls competing to be Brody’s fuck-buddy for a couple of weeks, it is worthless fratboy douchebags competing to become his “new best friend.” Fun fact: This show is so gay John Waters watched it and said, “Oh, now that is really too much.” (MTV Canada, 9 p.m.)
Classic Star Trek alert: “The Squire of Gothos,” which is the one with Trelane, who if you have not seen it is kind of like God if he were Liberace and also insane. Really, really creepy and funny. (Space, 8 p.m.)
Be Cool was the 2005 sequel to Get Shorty, a film which truly needed no sequel. This is something that was evident from the film itself, which is inconsequential and mostly boring. However, whenever the Rock is onscreen in his gay-thug-who-wants-to-be-an-actor role, the movie is utterly fantastic. Tivo it, fast-forward to the Rock’s bits, and then stop watching. “And…scene.” (City, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

ABC has a couple of New Year’s Eve kiddie specials. (Yes, they really used to make kiddie specials for New Year’s Eve. Hell, they used to make kiddie specials for Arbor Day, President’s Day and everything else under the sun. Televisualist fondly remembers Garfield Does His Taxes..) First up there is the quite average Happy New Year, Charlie Brown, followed up by the entertainingly insane Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, which is even crazier and trippier than Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and that’s saying something. (8 p.m.)
Married…With Children marathon? We are so there. (All day, TVTropolis)

Wednesday

Quick roundup of New Year’s Eve specials for your house party to count down along with: City has the annual Nathan Philips Square party as usual (starting at 10:30 p.m.), Omni 2 has a New Year’s Eve special about which we know nothing (10:30 p.m.), NBC has Carson (bleh) Daly with Katy Perry, Elton John and T.I. (10 p.m.), and ABC has Zombie Dick Clark propped up by Ryan “I Am The Next Dick Clark! Long Live The Undying Dick Clark!” Seacrest (10 p.m.). Finally, MuchMusic has the PunchMuch New Year’s Eve Party, which will probably suck. (11 p.m.)
Holy shit, The Hour got Sarah Palin for their New Year’s Eve special? Televisualist isn’t sure if that’s a really great booking for them or if Sarah Palin is just getting desperate for outlets to tell people really, really stupid shit. Possibly it is a combination of the two. Anyway, scuttlebutt from my inside-the-CBC sources is that George Stroumboulopoulos absolutely loathes Palin and will do his level best to utterly destroy her. And even if he didn’t, she’d probably say a bunch of really stupid shit, because she’s Sarah Palin. Potential to be a must-watch here. (CBC Newsworld, 8 p.m.)
The absolute last ever episode of Air Farce is their New Year’s Eve special, as they no doubt will haul out the fucking Chicken Cannon yet again, but really, why should we be bitter? As of nine o’clock on New Year’s Eve, there will never, ever again be Air Farce being produced for CBC television. A new day will dawn. Hope will spring anew in the hearts of millions. The orcs swarm the city of Minas Tirith in the tens of thousands and the ogres are bashing down the final gate…and as if in answer there came from far away another note. Horns, horns, horns. In dark Mindolluin’s sides they dimly echoed. Great horns of the North wildly blowing. Rohan had come at last. (8 p.m.)

Thursday

It is Bowl Day! If you love college football (and we don’t, but we feel obligated to mention it), then this is your day! Well, not so much any more, considering that over the years the college football people have spread out the bowls so people can watch every single bowl because that way they make more money. And also every bowl has a sponsor so they can make more money. Nothing says “timeless” like the FedEx Orange Bowl (TSN, 8 p.m.) or the Rose Bowl presented by Citi (ABC, 4:30 p.m.), or the boy-that’s-a-mouthful Konica Minolta Gator Bowl (CBS, 1 p.m.) or, our personal favourite, the Capital One Bowl, which used to be the Citrus Bowl until the citrus people sold out hardcore. (ABC, 1 p.m.) Personally, Televisualist will not be satisfied until one of these bowl games is known as the KFC Famous Bowl, where all the players are dipped in gravy prior to beginning the game.
And if you don’t like football, NBC has you covered with The Music of Seal on Ice. Watch figure skaters do routines to “Kiss From A Rose,” and “Crazy,” and “Kiss From A Rose” again, and…what other songs did Seal have, anyway? (4 p.m.)

Friday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “King-Size Homer,” which is the one where Homer binge-eats to get himself to weigh three hundred pounds so he can claim disability benefits. “Marge? Can you get me a lemonade and a beer?” Grotesque and hilarious. (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)
The History Channel airs Alexander, Oliver Stone’s imagining of the life of Alexander the Great with Colin Farrell in the lead. Despite the fact that Farrellexander has a heap of gay sex in this movie, Bromance is still much, much gayer. (9 p.m.)

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