Televisualist: Crusoe, Ghost, and Which Leader's Toast?
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Televisualist: Crusoe, Ghost, and Which Leader’s Toast?

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

My Own Worst Enemy, starring an increasingly jowly Christian Slater (whose lifelong Jack Nicholson impersonation is reaching new, unexpected heights), debuts this week. The show is of course your standard boy-meets-girl, boy-marries-girl, boy-has-a-split-personality-who-is-an-assassin plot. In all seriousness, the pilot was very entertaining, and although Televisualist doesn’t know how long it can go as a show (seriously, if anything was ever a movie concept, it is this one), it’s worth a look. (Global, 10 p.m.)
Corner Gas returns, and to be honest Televisualist has no idea what the season premiere is going to be about, but it’ll probably be funny, and what more can you ask of a sitcom than that? (CTV, 9:30 p.m.)

Tuesday

The Canadian federal election! You know, the one we’re having, without Obama or McCain or that crazy woman from Alaska. CBC, CTV, City, Newsworld, Global, A-Channel, and, for reasons we don’t quite understand, E! will all begin their election coverage at 9 p.m., despite the fact that they are legally barred from reporting any election results at all before 10 p.m. so as not to prejudice the left-coast vote. So you will have your choice of people sitting at tables, speculating with no basis in fact as to the upcoming results and why they will be tremendously important. More importantly, you will also have an hour to decide which election coverage has the best computer graphics! We live in an era of boundless choice, people! So much boundless choice that you can watch MuchMusic’s witless “coverage” starting at 10 p.m., complete with a live performance by Bedouin Soundclash! (Also note that yours truly, along with other Torontoist staff, will be liveblogging the election coverage, just because that’s how much we care.)
Or, alternately, you could just watch Caddyshack. “Just be the ball. Be the ball. Be the ball… You’re not being the ball, Danny.” (SunTV, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

It is the very lastest American presidential debate! In case you needed to know still more about the candidates’ ability to debate, well, America has you covered. Ninety solid minutes of not answering questions as much as possible and John McCain’s barely disguised scorn! Woo! (Newsworld, 9 p.m.)
So there’s this new show called Supersize v. Superskinny and Televisualist knows nothing about it, except that we hope it involves really fat people fighting really thin people by falling on top of them. That we would watch at least once! (W, 9 p.m.)

Thursday

“The Hobbit Enigma,” on this week’s The Nature of Things,, is an episode about a tiny humanoid skeleton discovered in Indonesia, and it merely reinforces what we already knew: David Suzuki is a goddamned nerd. I bet you he even cosplays, or dresses up in armor, or something like that. Not wrong about this! (CBC, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bart The Lover,” where Bart tricks Ms. Krabappel into a love affair with a picture of Gordie Howe. A flashback to when The Simpsons could still be powerfully sentimental without feeling the need to puncture the sentiment with a cheap gag. (Fox, 11 p.m.)

Friday

Crusoe debuts with its two-hour premiere episode. In case you were wondering what it was about: it is a retelling of Robinson Crusoe, in televised form! So, in case you really liked Lost, but fail to see the appeal of the polar bears, the Dharma Initiative, the ghosts, the giant four-toed foot, the mysterious numbers, the smoke monster, the weird magnetty thing they blew up, the conspiracies, and Ana Lucia, maybe you want to give this a try. However, if you want less flashbacks, be forewarned that the series has heaps of flashbacks to his life pre-shipwreck. (City, 8 p.m.)
Movies that have not aged well, vol. XII: Ghost. Now, in fairness, when Whoopi Goldberg won an Academy Award for this movie, it was laughable even then, but now it’s just kind of pathetic. And the Demi Moore/Patrick Swayze clay scene is now just kind of sadly funny. (W, 9 p.m.)

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