Televisualist: Baseball, Forbes, And Some Awards
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Televisualist: Baseball, Forbes, And Some Awards

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

Tonight on Battlestar Galactica: part one of “Resurrection Ship,” the second-season episode which has arguably the most badass space battle of the entire series and Michelle Forbes in it, being badass as only Michelle Forbes can. Televisualist thinks that if Canada wants to be taken seriously as a military power, all we have to do is pay Michelle Forbes to walk up to opposing armies and stare at them in a hard-assed way. We would become feared. Oh my, yes. (Space, 9 p.m.)
Tonight’s episode of Chuck is entitled “Chuck Vs. The Cougars.” The titles of this show alone make one want to watch Chuck, and since the show is good, you should really watch it, all the more so as it is struggling in the ratings. More than Heroes, even, and Heroes has really, really gone to shit this season, so just watch Chuck instead. Use the Heroes time to catch up on your needlepoint. You do needlepoint, right? (City, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

Spike has “Scream 2008,” which is apparently a set of awards for horror/fantasy/sci-fi genre TV and film and so forth. It’s safe to say you can expect the usual pathetic self-celebration of red-dyed corn syrup that made us all hate Rob Zombie so goddamned much. Seriously, folks. You make shitty movies. It is all right for people to love them because they are shitty, but don’t go thinking you’re special because you make shitty movies, that’s all we ask. (9 p.m.)
Some people think Johnny Depp became Johnny Depp with Pirates of the Caribbean, but Televisualist holds out that he became Johnny Depp with his turn in Benny and Joon, which proved that he could be a romantic lead in films not directed by John Waters or Tim Burton, and also that you can make grilled cheese sandwiches with an iron. (SunTV, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

The World Series begins tonight as the underdog Tampa Bay Rays take on the Philadelphia Phillies in a World Series that lacks a big media market for the suits to sell it to. (Seriously, if you listen closely, you can hear Bud Selig crying into his beer.) But it should be good baseball, and if you like good baseball, or alternately if you are just a guy and you want to assert your damn manhood, you should watch this. (Sportsnet, 8 p.m.)
Stylista! It’s “Project: Runway, but for hair!” The long arm of Tyra Banks, New Queen Of All Media, grows ever longer. One day she will consume us all. (City, 9 p.m.)
So people sez, “Hey, critic guy, what about that there Gary Unmarried? I mean, didn’t you say you thought Jay Mohr was funny?” And I sez, “Well, yeah, but that was before he decided to star in a formulaic CBS sitcom about a schlubby guy. Also, he gained like fifty pounds, and Jay Mohr needs to be thin for his brand of mean comedy to work. We’re sorry if that gives you body image issues, but it’s true because he is not John Goodman and should not even try to be.” (CBS, 8:30 p.m.)

Thursday

The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Treehouse of Horror VII,” which is the one with Bart’s evil twin, Lisa creating a Petri dish civilization, and the now-infamous Kang/Kodos story where they impersonate Bill Clinton and Bob Dole. “It does not matter who you vote for! You are all doomed! DOOOOOOOMED!” (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)
BET has their annual Hip-Hop Awards, which will probably be more entertaining and less nerdy than the horror movie awards on Spike, but come on, we’re only watching it in the hopes of seeing a grisly rap-feud shooting anyway. It’s kind of like watching NASCAR, but with rappers instead of cars. (8 p.m.)

Friday

The Gift features a really, really creepy and villainous performance by Keanu Reeves, but it’s also a good horror movie to kick off Halloween pre-weekend. Arguably the best offering available to you before you slather on the zombie makeup. (W, 9 p.m.)
Hey, did you know that this is the final season of Air Farce? I only just realized that, after reflexively trying to pretend the show didn’t exist for years and years now. Damn, it’s like Christmas came early this year! Televisualist will celebrate by watching the fabled “funny episode of Air Farce” which was never released for viewing by the general public. (CBC, 8 p.m.)

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