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Happy Devil’s… Day? Big night’s tomorrow, FYI, in case you haven’t been getting mass texts about it all week. On the year’s most over-hyped holiday, we understand if you’re tempted to skip the line-up of ALL-CAPITALIZED Facebook invites and just, you know, role-play at home. But wouldn’t that be a waste of an outfit? Insupportable. Plus, any excuse to dress up (note: we didn’t say slutty) deserves to celebrated.
So, first decide what to wear, then where: our handy Halloween guide takes you to the places and parties for which you’ll be best-dressed.
After the jump…

Going as: Cory Kennedy, LiLo and Sam, or Dov Charney (avec American Apparel harem).
Go to: Death Disco at Wrongbar (1279 Queen Street West). Beats and bangers by Vaneska, Nasty Nav, and Rory Them Finest; compromising photos by Mark the Cobrasnake. Afterward, follow the Pied Piper of underage girls to a loft party around Queen and Portland (you know the one). If you can move in there, you’ll be dancing from midnight ’til the cops show up with Foxfire, Parallels, and Mikey Apples.
Going as: Stephen Malkmus (no costume required) or Tina Fey as Sarah Palin.
Go to: Santa Cruz Halloween on Captain John’s Seafood Ship (1 Queens Quay West). Queen of the broken-hipster scene, Tyler Clark Burke is locally famous for her regular singles jams on the Harbourfront’s always-dirty, always-docked cruise ship. This one mashes up video makeout booths and ouija boards, fortune tellers and tattoo artists, so-called DJs and super-secret special guest performers… all for just $10. Bonus: each guest gets a handful of hook-up cards (like business cards, but for pleasure?) to pass around to potential role-players.
Going as: a really cheesy eighties hair metal band frontman… but in a Fargo Rock City kind of way, duh.
Go to: All Hallow’s Eve at The Drake Hotel (1150 Queen Street West). Resident DJ Skratch Bastid will be spinning old-school guitar anthems; he’ll be joined by DJ Dougie Boom, lounge musicians Black Velvet (actual lounge musicians, not a pun), and “special surprise guests.” Pay $10 at the door—and the same for each cocktail thereafter, natch.
Going as: a plushie, the hot tranny from Hercules & Love Affair, or the year 2007 (nu-rave neon and all).
Go to: Randomland at Circa, with an electro-popping, bass-and-brassy performance by Thunderheist and sets by spin-sters VND/LSM, Mansion, and Barbi. Sure, going to Circa on Halloween is a bit (okay, a lot) redundant. But where else can you find so many sunglasses at night that you don’t even need to bring a pocket mirror for your metallic face paint touch-ups? Yeah!
Going as: shaved-head Britney, brunette-wig Britney, or “vintage,” “Hit Me Baby” Britney.
Go to: Church Street Halloween Festival, between Gloucester and Alexander Streets, from after-sunset to after-hours. The city’s biggest block party is always as free as the love, and the costumes are the craziest you’ll find anywhere. This year, festivities are hosted by Proud FM personality Deb Pearce.
Going as: Blondie, a ’70s porn star, or Campbells tomato soup a la Warhol.
Go to: Paradise at The Ossington, for a no-cover, no-fuss, no-high-schoolers-allowed Halloween dance party. (Such a thing’s more rare than you’d think.) Disco, boogie, New York punk, old-school funk, and rap will keep the narrow space comfortably sweaty.
Going as: Hugh Hefner (if you are white), Kanye West (again, if you are white), or a Sexy Fill-in-the-Blank.
Go to: Grand Halloween. That’s grand as in The Liberty Grand Entertainment Complex (25 British Columbia Road), which is exactly as niche-y and intimate as it sounds. Attend at risk of losing hot prospects in a sea of identical horny devils, or your ID to an underager in a bathroom stall. DJs we’ve never heard of include: Undercover, Addy, 4 Korners, Marko Bongo, and Joe Ghost. Costume prizes go to the “Sexxiest Female” (yes, that’s with two Xs) and “Funniest Male” (the latter wins a trip for two to Daytona, Florida, presumably for a very wet ‘n’ wild Spring Break). Tickets are $30; email party boys The Jons to RSVP or get info.