Televisualist: Biking, Rants, And Explodin' Pants
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Televisualist: Biking, Rants, And Explodin’ Pants

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.


“There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar trying to make up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening. The Korova milkbar sold milk-plus, milk plus vellocet or synthemesc or drencrom, which is what we were drinking. This would sharpen you up and make you ready for a bit of the old ultra-violence.” A Clockwork Orange. Nuff said. (Showcase, 10 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “A Star Is Burns,” a.k.a. “the one where Mr. Burns throws a film festival.” With Jon Lovitz as the Critic (does anybody remember that show fondly? No? Okay then). “Are they booing me, Smithers?” “No, sir! They’re saying ‘Booooo-urns.'” (Fox, 11 p.m.)


This is the first year that BMX biking will be an Olympic event, and tonight you can watch the seeding races for the final. Televisualist does not generally endorse watching the Olympics, but how often do you get to watch something be an event for the first time? Will this be the next decathlon, or the next solo synchronized swimming? Who knows. (CBC, 6 p.m.)
Johnny Depp + John Waters + a young Ricki Lake in a cameo role + musical-type songs as filtered through John Waters’ brain = Cry-Baby = fucking brilliance. (Bravo, 8 p.m.)


CNN airs two consecutive ninety-minute specials: “McCain Revealed” and “Obama Revealed.” For those worrying, Televisualist is pretty sure this has nothing to do with full frontal nudity and will just be extended interviews. Then again, CNN has been desperately trying to bump up its viewership over the last few months, so maybe there will be full frontal nudity. (8 p.m. and 9:30 p.m.)
“Much Does Wakestock.” Wait, does this mean MuchMusic will be covering an actual music concert? Do they still do that sort of thing? Will they even remember how? I bet the veejays covering the event start staggering around, completely at a loss as to how to operate in such a situation—no, actually, I bet they ignore the concert and just show clips of wakeboarders. (8 p.m.)


Oh my god, GSN is rerunning Treasure Hunters. If you get GSN, you have to watch what is simply one of the worst competitive reality shows of all time: teams of three following clues to a prize is nothing new, but in Treasure Hunters, the teams are all fairly stupid and in some cases too physically unfit to handle the tasks (which mostly meant a lot of walking), the clues are inane, and everything has a pseudo-Revolutionary War theme to it (unsurprisingly, the show got greenlit after the first National Treasure was a hit). It’s so bad it’s hilarious. (8 p.m.)
Tonight on Mythbusters—they investigate the myth of the exploding pants. Now, Televisualist doesn’t actually know anything about the myth of the exploding pants, but the mere fact that there is one makes us recommend this one. (Discovery Channel, 10 p.m.)


Tonight, on the E! True Hollywood Story: Heath Ledger. Well, that should be exceptionally tasteful. (8 p.m.)
The Fugitive is one of the modern action classics, despite there being next to no fighting or gunplay. It’s an action movie that derives its thrills from tense cat-and-mouse chase scenes (and a crashing car). Probably the last truly great movie starring Harrison Ford (suck it, Indiana Jones And The Aliens From Alienland). (Peachtree, 8 p.m.)