Televisualist: Feudin', Ned, and Iron Head
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Televisualist: Feudin’, Ned, and Iron Head

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

The Bachelorette finishes with a bang, as… oh, who am I kidding. She picks one guy. Or the other guy. Maybe there is a twist and she marries the producer. Don’t know, don’t care, and soon enough we’ll have a new season of The Bachelor to not care about. If you care about these reality shows, well, more power to you. (City, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Hurricane Neddy,” wherein Ned Flanders’s house is destroyed in a hurricane and then, when Springfield completely fucks up his life, he finally snaps once and for all. Watching Ned Flanders lose it is pretty much the best thing ever. “Now calm down diddly-diddly-doodly-diddly, they did their best diddly-doodly-diddly-dokely-okely, gotta be nice diddly-diddly-doodly-diddly-oh-hell-diddly ding dong crap! Can’t you morons do anything?” (CFMT, 10 p.m.)

Tuesday

Tonight on Celebrity Family Feud: the cast of The Office (well, none of the big names: it’s Creed, Meredith, Oscar, Phyllis, and Kevin) versus the cast of American Gladiators.. This is the only possible way these two teams could ever realistically compete at anything. Even better than that, though, is that they essentially split the entire cast of My Name Is Earl into two teams, and tonight they will face each other… in character. How awesome is that? (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
CBC starts rerunning the first season of The Tudors, because nothing says “good way to spend a hot summer evening” than watching Jonathan Rhys Meyers impregnate chambermaids. (9 p.m.)
So it turns out that this week is the final episode of Hell’s Kitchen and last week was just sort of a placeholder stretch-it-out episode. Our bad! (City, 9 p.m.)

Wednesday

Tonight on The Hour: Chris Bosh. Not tonight on the hour: Chris Bosh fights Vince Carter to the death in a vat of live snaked with giant pugel sticks. Come on, George Strombolopoulous, get on the ball! (CBC, 8 p.m.)
Bravo is currently rerunning Mad Men‘s first season, and tonight they air “5G,” which is one of the most gripping and desperately sad episodes in the entire series. It’s the one where Don Draper confronts his long-lost brother, and I know that sounds like a cliche right there, but the reason Mad Men is such a good TV show is that the writers deftly avoid all the hoary old tropes and instead craft an original, tremendously sad story that has the balls to not end well. It’s as good a jump-on point as any in this excellent series. (9 p.m.)

Thursday

“My guess is that you will never hear from him again. The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he did not exist. And like that… he is gone…” The Usual Suspects. If you haven’t seen it, you should. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
Less critically acclaimed is the 1998 remake of The Man In The Iron Mask, but it’s a genuinely decent movie; critics complained about all the actors working in their own accents, but since the entire movie is in English it’s kind of stupid to want the actors to speak in French accents because their characters are French. They’re not speaking French, after all. And what works is that the accents match up to each character: John Malkovich’s angry Midwestern drawl for Athos is perfect, and no less so Gabriel Byrne’s soft, romantic Irish tones for D’Artagnan, Jeremy Irons’s cool, clipped British upper-crust Aramis and Gerard Depardieu’s robustly Gallic slur for Porthos. And Leonardo DiCaprio is… well, he doesn’t detract, anyway. (Bravo, 8 p.m.)

Friday

Tonight’s episode of Fawlty Towers is, Televisualist thinks, one of the more underrated ones in the series: “The Builders,” wherein Basil decides to get a new doorway installed and then to save money by hiring crap construction guys. It doesn’t quite have the classic Fawlty build to an inevitable disastrous comic finish, but it has a ton of great lines. (PBS, 10 p.m.)
Teletoon has Batman: Sub-Zero, which was a direct-to-video movie about Batman fighting Mr. Freeze that’s really an excellent piece of work all around; the usual high standards one expects from the Paul Dini/Bruce Timm collaborations on the animated DC universe, with a slightly higher animation budget. Not many people have seen it; it’s worth a look. (10 p.m.)

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