Televisualist: Ant and Dec and Sharks and Sharks
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Televisualist: Ant and Dec and Sharks and Sharks

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

I know that as a bona fide television critical individual, I should by rights mock the shit out of Wanna Bet?, the new reality show from ABC (five words that, when, put together in sequence, can terrify small children and the elderly). But I can’t bring myself to do it, for two reasons. First, Ant and Dec are the hosts, and Ant and Dec are everything that is good about live television hosting summed up in two British sort-of-comedians. Secondly, when you get right down to it, this show is just an update on That’s Incredible!, which, as a child, I adored beyond common sense and reason. John Davidson was awesome and you know it. SAY YOU KNOW IT! (9 p.m.)
Two new episodes of Paranormal State tonight, as the Penn State Paranormal Research Society investigates ghosts in Pennsylvania and Virginia. This show is on A&E, which over the last decade has gradually started ignoring the “A” and concentrated on what they consider “E.” They are usually wrong. (10 p.m.)

Tuesday

I’m not sure when City picked up Unbeatable Banzuke, which is G4TV’s rerunning of the classic Japanese game show Kinniku Banzuke, but it’s worth watching; unlike many in this genre, Unbeatable Banzuke does not feel the need to constantly pepper the viewer with endless Catskill-level “jokes” from “wacky” English commentators. True fact: if Televisualist ever met one of the voiceover guys from Most Extreme Elimination Challenge, we would punch him in the face as hard as we possibly could. (10 p.m.)
The American version of Kitchen Nightmares isn’t quite as good as the British, but “Sebastian’s” is actually a pretty entertaining clusterfuck because the Sebastian in question is one of the stupidest people to ever appear on this show. Ever. Also, an enjoyable schadenfreude moment: after you have finished watching Sebastian have his come-to-Jesus moment, you can marvel at the fact that less than a month after the show stopped by his shitty restaurant, Sebastian went back to his ego-fuelled “flavour combinations,” and that the restaurant has since gone out of business. (Fox, 9 p.m.)

Wednesday

Major League II is, surprisingly, a really enjoyable sequel to one of the best baseball movies ever made. (Also surprising: the original Major League is far and away the favorite baseball movie of actual pro baseball players.) Sure, it doesn’t have Wesley Snipes in it, but… actually, why do you need a “but” there? (Peachtree, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson.” A later-season classic. “Crab juice or Mountain Dew.” “Eeuruuuuuugh! Ewwwwww! Uuuuuuuugh! I’ll have a crab juice!” (CFMT, 10 p.m.)

Thursday

Discovery airs The Perfect Predators, which is two hours of sharks. Forgetting for a moment that while sharks are pretty bad-ass, it wasn’t the shark which won at the end of Jaws. But regardless: two hours of sharks! Do we really need to say anything other than “two hours of sharks” to get you to watch? If Speed Racer had been titled Two Hours of Sharks it would have been the hottest box-office draw of the summer. (8 p.m.)
Tonight on Don’t Forget The Lyrics!: Someone forgets the lyrics. They are immediately shot. (Fox, 8 p.m.)

Friday

Zulu is a classic movie, and treats the subject matter (namely, a giant 19th-century battle between a small platoon of British soldiers and about a million Zulu warriors) with respect and balance. That is not the reason to watch it. Neither is the fact that this is a very young Michael Caine’s first starring role. No, the reason to watch Zulu is because the battle scenes with the aforementioned million Zulu warriors are holy shit awesome. (Turner Classic, 8 p.m.)
Meanwhile, on the Discovery Channel: Mysteries of the Shark Coast. TWO MORE HOURS OF SHARKS! SHARKS SHARKS SHARKS! I LOVE SHARK WEEK! I WISH EVERY WEEK WERE SHARK WEEK! (8 p.m.)

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