Televisualist: Idol, Bride, and Reeve's Sweet Ride
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Televisualist: Idol, Bride, and Reeve’s Sweet Ride

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

The Mole returns… wait, seriously? The Mole? This was one of the early wave of reality shows that pretty much tanked right up until Celebrity Mole came along and people discovered they loved watching D-list celebrities making asses of themselves for charity. So the success of Celebrity Mole rebounds off the flip side and brings us back Plain Old Ordinary Mole. I don’t know if this show can survive without Stephen Baldwin. That is the only time anybody will ever say that about Stephen Baldwin. (City, 10 p.m.)
Kung Fu Hustle is absolutely fantastic. Like most Stephen Chow movies, the plot is really just an excuse to get to the wacky crazy martial arts sequences. But that doesn’t matter, because the wacky crazy martial arts sequences are impressively wacky and crazy. Kung Fu Hustle is likely the closest any filmmaker has yet come to making the closest literal live action translation of a Warner Brothers cartoon, thanks to brilliant CGI and terrific slapstick. (Spike, 9 p.m.)

Tuesday

Canadian Idol is back, allowing Televisualist to make the cheaper, cut-rate jokes that weren’t quite good enough for covering American Idol. Did you know the Canadian Idol webpage has a “where are they now” section? One that isn’t even meant ironically? Heck, Televisualist at least remembers the names of the former American Idol “winners.” But we couldn’t pick Brian Melo out of a crowd if you paid us. And we’re pretty sure Ben Mulroney masturbates daily while wearing a Ryan Seacrest mask and pretending to say witty things to Simon Cowell. God, we love this country and our cheap knockoffs of American shows. (CTV, 9 p.m.)
Beavis and Butt-Head Do America. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Uh… heh heh heh heh. Heh heh. Heh heh heh. This rocks. (Teletoon, 10 p.m.)

Wednesday

BET’s rerun loop of The Wire starts anew tonight. Now, you may have heard from all sorts of sources that The Wire is the single best television show in the history of the medium. It’s probably getting old because everybody keeps saying it. So, instead of saying that The Wire is the single best television show in the history of television, and tonight is your chance to start watching it from the beginning, instead we will just say, “Hey, how about that According to Jim?” (BET, 9 p.m.)
Paul Sorvino alert! The Sorvino shows up on tonight’s episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, playing Worf’s adoptive foster brother. As in all things, he is excellent in this episode. (Space, 9 p.m.)

Thursday

Swingtown debuts tonight, strangely absent of the storm of controversy you would think an American network series about 70s swingers would generate. Is this a poor omen, or just summer kicking in? Regardless, it has Molly Parker and Jack Davenport in it, so it deserves at least one episode’s worth of viewing. (Global, 10 p.m.)
“Is this a kissing book?” “You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.” “Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!” “Anybody want a peanut?” “I’ve got my country’s 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it; I’m swamped.” “My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.” “This is true love. You think this happens every day?” The Princess Bride. But you knew that already. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bart the Fink.” Bart accidentally exposes Krusty the Klown as a tax cheat. “No! My precious pornography!” (CFMT, 10 p.m.)

Friday

Superman remains, thirty years later, one of the best superhero movies ever. Christopher Reeve is in large part the reason why, playing both Superman and Clark Kent with equal skill. Also, here is a fun tidbit: when informed that he had the role, Reeve was also told he wasn’t quite muscular enough to play Superman, so they were going to sew muscles into his Super-suit. In response, Reeve went out and put on forty-five pounds of solid muscle in six months. Is that not cool as all get out? They don’t make them like Christopher Reeve any more. (Family Channel, 8 p.m.)
Family Guy is on (it’s the one where Quagmire fucks Cleveland’s wife) but really we’re only mentioning it because Seth McFarlane is busy beating his horse to death with a stick by premiering The Cleveland Show later this year. Yes, it’s yet another vaguely-the-same unfunny cartoon from Seth McFarlane, this time directly spinning off of Family Guy with the least interesting character on the show. The network premiere will occur at the same time as an asteroid hits the planet, obliterating eighty percent of human life instantly. They will be the lucky ones, for they will never see The Cleveland Show. (Tropicana TV, 9 p.m.)

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