Limo Scandal! Bernier Scandal! Mars Scandal! Okay, Not That Last One So Much

By Christopher Bird

A scandal seems to be brewing over the conduct of Tuxedo Limousines after many people complained that the company was shitty and acted in bad faith. Interestingly, many of the people who hired limos through Tuxedo paid the company in cash, in parking lots or gas stations. This only confirms many of Torontoist’s longstanding personal biases against people who hire stretch Hummers.
Ontario’s food banks issued a report yesterday calling upon the government to increase employment insurance benefits to help poor people deal with rapidly increasing food prices. The report concludes, “of course, you can do nothing, but then don’t look at us when people start rioting because they’re hungry.” The Toronto Police are tentatively preparing a response to the report entitled Us Versus The Starving Poor: We Like Our Odds.
Maxime Bernier claims he didn’t know anything about his ex-girlfriend’s ties to a biker gang, and that the classified documents he left at her place weren’t all that important anyway. You know, sometimes, it’s fun just to watch a politician dig themselves deeper and deeper into a hole.
Scientists now believe that Mars’s lopsided shape is the result of an impact from a gigantic, Pluto-sized meteor billions of years ago. The scientists also recommended that maybe we should reconsider our downgrading of Pluto to dwarf planet status “because we don’t want to piss it off.”
Finally, Turkey’s underdog run at the Euro Cup ended yesterday when they were defeated in the semifinals by Germany. In celebration, Germans throughout the city spontaneously cheered for exactly fifteen seconds, then sat back down in unison.
Photo by Lori Greig.