news
Televisualist: Baldwin, Tila, And Comets (See Ya!)
Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative, and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
Monday
Deal Or No Deal has a special Star Wars-themed episode, where all the models with briefcases are dressed up in Princess Leia’s slave-girl outfit. Presumably this show wanted me to hate it even more. (E!, 8 p.m.)
Rob Mariano alert: The Amazing Race‘s seventh season starts rerunning on OLN tonight, and it’s definitely one of the best seasons of what is the best reality show on television. Also, it’s travel porn (this episode takes them to Peru). Plus, Rob and Amber doing what they do best – kick ass at reality television game shows. Isn’t it wonderful that we live in an age where people with such a specific talent set can be rewarded for it? (8 p.m.)
Tuesday
Most Saturday Night Live specials tend to be pretty weak (“The Best Of Horatio Sanz!”) but tonight it’s a ninety-minute tribute to Alec Baldwin’s best work on the show, and Alec Baldwin’s best work on the show is choice. Presumably this is intended as cheap cross-promotion for 30 Rock, but it’s not like 30 Rock isn’t funny, so who cares? I just hope they air the “Mr. Asswipe” sketch. (NBC, 8:30 p.m.)
Tonight on A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila, a bunch of straight guys and a bunch of bi or gay girls make asses out of themselves trying to score with somebody (who looks kind of like a pornographic Hummel figurine) who got famous on MySpace for pretending to be bisexual when she really isn’t, which kind of renders the entire point of this show kind of moot. Also, what’s the point of a dating show where the same person comes back every season to pick suitors? We could understand it when it was Flava Flav doing it, because Flava Flav is a giant asshole with thirty-seven illegitimate kids. That made sense. (MTV, 9 p.m.)
Wednesday
Just in case you forgot that the new Indiana Jones movie is coming out in a few weeks, Global is giving you the chance to remember when Harrison Ford was not grizzled and far too old to be a credible action hero by airing Raiders Of The Lost Ark. Also, Shia LaBeefs is a terrible actor. On the other hand, we saw some production stills and we have to admit that Karen Allen is still gorgeous, so that’s something going for the new Indy flick… oh, yes, Raiders. Uh, he hates snakes. (8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Homie the Clown.” Sadly, no references to Damon Wayan’s popular character from In Living Color, but Homer does go to Krusty’s Klown Kollege. “I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.” (CFMT, 10 p.m.)
Thursday
Tonight on Scrubs: Dr. Cox gets shoved into Dr. Kelso’s old job, Carla and Turk consider havign a second baby, the Janitor is insane, and JD and Elliot continue their slow, inelegant dance towards finally ending up together at the end of the series, which may never actually air thanks to lingering writer’s strike issues. Now you’re all caught up! (A-Channel, 8:30 p.m.)
If the Deal or No Deal with the Star Wars crap wasn’t enough to give you nightmares, turn to the Discovery Channel’s special: Super Comet: After The Impact. The short story as to what will be left after the impact is “not much.” Luckily, we can avoid asteroid-ish destruction with just some small investments now, and… yeah, we’re pretty much fucked. (8 p.m.)
Friday
Jurassic Park? Okay, so maybe the effects haven’t aged quite as well as one would hope, but so what – it’s got dinosaurs in it! You can’t tell me you didn’t go see this at least twice in the theatres when it first came out without lying. (AMC, 8 p.m.)
I Know My Kid’s A Star is genuinely one of the creepiest television shows to come along in qutie some time, as it essentially validates all the worst aspects of stage parenting and has Danny Bonaduce as the host/judge. That is just wrong. (MuchMoreMusic, 9 p.m.)