Televisualist: Smiths, Moby, and Classic Bogie
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Televisualist: Smiths, Moby, and Classic Bogie

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

“Hey, mister rich movie executive. Let’s make a movie.” “Right. What do we want the movie to be about?” “Let’s make it about rich sexy people shooting at each other.” “Good start. Can they also have sex with each other?” “Sure. How do we justify that?” “Eh. Get Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to be in it. Nobody will worry about the details.” Hence: Mr. and Mrs. Smith. (Global, 8 p.m.)
20/20 does a two-hour prime time special on the Royal Family. (The British one, not some other podunk royal family nobody cares about.) Did you know they have private lives, insofar as public figures are allowed to have private lives? Did you want to know all about their private lives, thus completely rendering the privacy of said lives pointless? Then this is the show for you. (ABC, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

New Amsterdam debuts tonight, being a television series about a detective who is immortal until he finds his One True Love. Just by the logline alone, you know this is going to be one of those shows that has to hit its marks exactly: too much and it’s just another bad sci-fi show, too little and it’s just another procedural where the lead occasionally says something a bit weird. Can they pull it off? Who knows. But it has Zuleikha Robinson in it, and she’s hot. (Global, 8 p.m.)
New episode of Mega Builders features a pair of Swedish architect/engineers who specialize in building ice hotels. Yes, entire buildings out of ice, just like in that terrible James Bond movie. That’s cool enough to merit a viewing, especially considering that hopefully this show will answer the question of how they keep the ice toilets from melting when people pee in them. (Discovery, 10 p.m.)
Super Tuesday Part Two: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton show off (again) in Texas, Ohio, Vermont and Rhode Island, the last large single-day allotment of delegates before the election. Wolf Blitzer will no doubt say many things that are stupefyingly obvious, but that’s okay, because his name is “Wolf.” Look, if you have a better explanation for why Wolf Blitzer still has a job, let’s hear it. (CNN, all night)

Wednesday

A brand new The Hour, featuring Moby. Wait, really? Moby? Just because George Stroumboulopoulos is hosting doesn’t mean all the guests also have to come from the turn of the millennium. (Newsworld, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bonfire of the Manatees,” where Homer lets Fat Tony shoot a porno (“A Series of Horny Events” by Lemony Lick-Its) in the Simpson household. Also, Alec Baldwin as the sexy marine biologist. (Fox, 11 p.m.)

Thursday

Last week’s episode of Lost, “The Constant,” was arguably one of the best episodes in the show’s history, being an hour-long rewriting of a Kurt Vonnegut time-travel plot, requiring practically no prior knowledge of the show (not that it hurts, but it’s not necessary to follow the story at all) and being an incredibly imaginative and brilliantly acted story on top of all that. It re-airs this week, so do yourself a favour and catch it. (A-Channel, 8 p.m.)
Classic alert: The Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Humphrey Bogart in John Huston’s classic about gold-mining, source of the famous “we doan need no steeking badges” misquote, and the movie that inspired P.T. Anderson while he was writing There Will Be Blood. Yeah, it’s kind of a good movie. (Turner Classic Movies, 8 p.m.)

Friday

YTV airs Superman: Doomsday, a reasonably good cartoon adaptation of “The Death Of Superman” story from the early 90s. By “reasonably good” we mean “very much unlike the original story, but at least it’s pretty fun.” James Marsden’s voice work on Lex Luthor is chillingly good. Only downside: the weird cheekbones they gave Superman. (8 p.m.)
If one cartoon is not enough, Space airs the next-gen sequel to Robotech, Robotech: The Shadow Chronicles. More Zentraedi than you can shake a stick at. That’s a lot of Zentraedi! (Warning: Zentraedi may not actually appear en masse.) (9 p.m.)

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