Man Narrowly Avoids Hari-Kiri, Protestors Protest For Tibet, And There’s Drugs In Our Water

By Christopher Bird

Man stabs himself with katana. People may wonder how such a ridiculous accident came to occur, and our response is “he lived in Scarborough, what else is there to do?”
Torontonians rally for a free Tibet. In response, the government of China immediately said it was very, very sorry and immediately began withdrawing troops and establishing Tibetan self-government while declaring May 17th to be “The Dalai Lama Is Awesome Day” in China.
Painkillers and other drugs found in Ontario drinking water. But don’t worry, it’s only trace amounts, and what harm could that possibly do to us, or for that matter to our newly sprouted third arms?
Canadians lobby for federal intervention in Saudi Arabian execution of a Canadian citizen. They allege that the trial was unfair and the beating was coerced. Of course, Stephen Harper has made his position on not interfering with other countries’ legal processes quite clear, so the guy’s probably going to get beheaded. (Extra fun time: read the comments in the linked article, full of sage advice like “well other countries aren’t as preciously liberal as Canada” and “tough noogies, that’s what you get for going to Saudi Arabia, dumbass.”)
American death toll in Iraq hits 4,000. Official numbers for Iraqi dead in Iraq since the war started are not available, but a spokesman for the Pentagon explained how they would have been much higher if the United States had never invaded in the first place.
And the Raptors got pounded by the Denver Nuggets.
Photo by Amin Tabrizi.