Televisualist: Lost and Snipes And Bush's Hype
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Televisualist: Lost and Snipes And Bush’s Hype

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.


You’ll have your choice of networks airing the State of the Union address—the very last chance for George W. Bush to tell us how awesome America is and how awesome his last year in office is going to be. Maybe he will tell everybody how he wants to go to Mars again. Remember that? Also, have fun playing the “bet how many standing ovations he gets” game. (CBS, ABC, NBC, CNN, et cetera, 9 p.m.)
Since Global isn’t interested in airing the State of the Union, and since none of the American networks are producing new content right now for them to air and pretend they’re a Canadian channel, they’re instead airing—no, not Canadian programming. Batman Begins. Well, at least it’s cool. (8 p.m.)


Now here’s a total chestnut: U.S. Marshals. Those of you scratching your heads and going “huh” may not know that this was the erstwhile sequel to the film version of The Fugitive, made on the basis that The Fugitive made a lot of money and won Tommy Lee Jones an Oscar. Except everybody forgot that The Fugitive had Harrison Ford in it, and this time around the escaped prisoner is Wesley Snipes. Seriously! Wesley Snipes! They replaced Harrison Ford with Wesley Snipes! (AMC, 8 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “The Springfield Files.” Mulder and Scully come to Springfield to investigate aliens. Also, Leonard Nimoy shows up, and anything with Leonard Nimoy in it is just… better. Shatner gets all the credit, but Nimoy is his equal by far. (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)


ABC airs a two-hour recap/preview special for Lost, in case you’re deciding, “Hey, I just now want to get in on the pop-culture phenomenon of three years ago.” (9 p.m.)
CityTV airs Serenity, but if you have any friends who fanatically follow Joss Whedon’s every utterance like the word of God (and you’ve got at least one), you probably already knew that. (9 p.m.)
If the State of the Union didn’t sufficiently whet your appetite for Republican bullshit, there’s a GOP presidential candidates’ debate. Short preview: they hate terrorists and taxes and “socialized healthcare.” Especially Rudy Giuliani. He hates it all so much he may explode. (CNN, 8 p.m.)


The big news tonight is of course the season premiere of Lost, as ABC blows two hours of the mere six they managed to produce before the writer’s strike made them stop doing that sort of thing. Apparently, ABC forgot how pissed off Lost fans were when they pulled this “mini-season” shtick the first time around. Way to go, ABC. Man, Dominic Monaghan sure jumped off this runaway train at exactly the right time. (8 p.m.)
Competing with Lost: a two-hour edition of Celebrity Apprentice. Hey, did you know Gene Simmons managed to get fired already? Is there even a point to watching this show now? I mean, am I supposed to care about a supposedly famous softball pitcher and Stephen Baldwin competing for charity? It’s kind of sad when you can’t out-star-quality-ize Celebrity Mole. Which, come to think, also had Stephen Baldwin. (Global, 9 p.m.)


MuchMusic has Johnson Family Vacation, which stars, in a supporting role, Bow Wow (no longer L’il). This is as close as it gets to being related to music, or, for that matter, muchness. Hey, remember when we used to make fun of MTV for not airing music videos and MuchMusic played music videos just about all the time and it was great? Whatever happened to that, huh? (9 p.m.)
Teletoon airs Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, and unlike some of their live-action airings, I can’t criticize this one for being not cartoony enough, because it’s totally just a big cartoon with human beings in place of animated characters in the foreground. On the other hand, it’s a pretty sucky movie despite that, so be forewarned. (10 p.m.)