Televisualist: Hogan, Clouseau, and New CBC Shows
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Televisualist: Hogan, Clouseau, and New CBC Shows

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

CBC debuts The Border tonight. Denis McGrath, the executive story editor, promises us that “shit will blow up.” Hey, Televisualist is a sucker for a good action drama. We just hope that this is, you know, one of those. (9 p.m.)
The brand-new version of American Gladiators premieres tonight. Now, TV columnists the world over have spilled a lot of ink about how this is the newest depth to which television has sunk. That having been said: it has Hulk Hogan and people hitting each other with foam weaponry. Come on, you know you want to watch it. (NBC, 8 p.m.)
What if they gave two of the hosts from Dancing With The Stars another dancing reality show? Dance War: Bruno Versus Carrie Ann will answer that question, and many others. Like “wait, what the hell is a dance war, anyhow?” I am personaly hoping for something like the fight scenes in West Side Story, except to the death for reals. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Tuesday

Futurama airs one of its more brilliant episodes tonight in “Roswell That Ends Well,” the one where they travel back in time and Fry becomes his own grandfather… okay, so it’s not that noteworthy, but I am sick to death of having to write about how much I hate The Biggest Loser. Seriously, that goddamn show is on all the time now. It’s worse than Law and Order in terms of sheer ubiquity. I used up all my Biggest Loser jokes ages ago. Please, NBC. Just stop. (Teletoon, 8:30 p.m.)
New Kenny Vs. Spenny: “Who can Commit The Most Crime.” That sounds like fun! Although there will probably be a lack of Hulk Hogan and foam weaponry. (Showcase, 9:30 p.m.)

Wednesday

Cashmere Mafia is one of two midseason replacement shows being wheeled out to combat the effects of strike fatigue on television viewers. The other one is Lipstick Jungle, which hasn’t debuted yet. They are both terrible. The way you tell the difference is this is the lousy, vaguely misogynistic Sex In The City ripoff with Lucy Liu in it, and the other one has Brooke Shields. So if you ever need to tell the difference… now you know how. (E, 10 p.m.)
This week on Little Mosque on the Prairie: “Jihad On Ice!” Between this and “Eid’s A Wonderful Life,” they’re really going all-out with the episode titles on this show now, and I am the gladder for it. (CBC, 8 p.m.)
CBC also debuts the new show Sophie tonight, which is about an agent who has a newborn baby and a bastard boyfriend. Well, it’s a premise for a sitcom if nothing else. (8:30 p.m.)

Thursday

A new episode of 30 Rock, which is quite simply the best comedy on television today. It’s like Christmas came late this year! Cherish it, for soon there will be no more, my children. (NBC, 8:30 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Bart The Fink,” where Krusty fakes his own death when he goes bankrupt. All his precious pornography – gone! (Comedy Network, 9 p.m.)

Friday

If you’re planning to hit the town Friday night, CityTV has obligingly provided you with a great predrink experience: namely, Jackass: The Movie. You have to admit: whatever else you can say about Jackass, it’s great for getting drunk with friends to. (9 p.m.)
If you’re more in the mood for a clever, intelligent comedy, as opposed to people getting smacked in the nuts a lot? PBS thankfully gives us A Shot In The Dark, the second (and by far the best) Pink Panther movie. Peter Sellers in his prime, people. (8 p.m.)

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