Televisualist: Debuts, Crowned, and the Simpsons' Clown
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Televisualist: Debuts, Crowned, and the Simpsons’ Clown

Each week, Torontoist examines the upcoming TV listings and makes note of programs that are entertaining, informative and of quality. Or, alternately, none of those. The result: Televisualist.
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Monday

OLN replays the final episode of The Amazing Race tonight, which of course you probably missed on Sunday since you were watching your favorite Torontoist contributors totally hand a bunch of celebrity impersonators their frigging asses. This season of the Race has been one of the best to date, and the final three teams (father/daughter Ron and Chris, grandson/grandfather Nick and Don, and dating hippies Rachel and TK) are all likeable, good competitors, and in at least two cases honestly surprising teams to make final three. And they’re going to climb an ice wall! (OLN, 8 p.m.)
Back-to-back new episodes of Chuck, only on City and not on NBC––the latter presumably planning to hold onto them juuuuust a bit longer in case the writers cave later than expected. In these two new episodes, Chuck goes up against his love interest’s ex-boyfriend and a giant fish. This is why it is a good show. (9 p.m.)
Newsworld airs Shake Hands With The Devil, the docudrama based on Romeo Dallaire’s book. It is excellent. (10 p.m.)

Tuesday

Tonight’s Boston Legal is entitled “Roe V. Wade, The Musical,” and frankly just the possibility that one would get to experience William Shatner singing in an episode of Boston Legal compels one to watch it. (E!, 10 p.m.)
More American Idol, which Televisualist only mentions because it is a Pop Culture Juggernaut and if we don’t mention it we run the risk of not being an Accurate Barometer Of Modern Culture and so on and so forth. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Wednesday

It’s the penultimate episode of Crowned, the reality show where mother-daughter “teams” compete in a beauty pageant, by which we mean the mothers harass their daughters in a vain attempt to live vicariously through their offspring while Carson Kressley watches and, inwardly, laughs to himself––the bitter, bitter laugh of the purest evil ever sprung upon this earth. No, not “gay people.” We mean fashion consultants. (SunTV, 8 p.m.)
More fucking American Idol. Look, I’ll be nicer to it once we’re out of the horrible audition stage, because the audition stage breaks down into three segments: There are the people who have talent and get through, and it’s nice to see people be happy. There are the complete delusional wastes of time and/or the people willing to make total asses of themselves just to be on TV for thirty seconds, who grow less amusing every single time you see one of them. And there are the people who have a little talent, enough to know they don’t suck but not enough to actually make it onto Idol, and the judges have to crush their dreams, and that’s just not fun to watch either. And these latter two groups are the bulk of the audition episodes. It’s just not fun television. (CTV, 8 p.m.)

Thursday

AMC debuts Breaking Bad, a series about a guy who finds out he’s dying of cancer and sets up a meth lab so he can make enough money to support his struggling family after he dies. And it’s a comedy, folks. The dad from Malcolm In The Middle is the star! (10 p.m.)
Spike premieres the new season of Pros Vs. Joes tonight, wherein amateur athletes try to beat retired professional athletes at, you know, competitions and such. This season features Ricky Williams, controversial because he had the good sense to quit the NFL after he became rich but before he became crippled. (11 p.m.)

Friday

The early career of Trey Parker and Matt Stone is on display tonight: Cannibal: The Musical. It’s not that good, actually, but as a historical landmark sort of thing there’s certainly worse ways to kill a couple of hours before hitting the town. (Independent Film Channel, 9 p.m.)
The Simpsons rerun of the week: “Like Father, Like Clown,” where Bart and Lisa attempt to reunite Krusty with his estranged rabbi father. “The Jews are a swinging people.” (CFMT, 10 p.m.)

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